Thursday, June 23, 2011

[Originally written for June 13th]

June 13th

Today is the day. One year ago today we got this phone call. One year ago today, I saw more pain in the boy I love's eyes than ever before. It still breaks my heart. I can't believe it has been a year.

When I bent down in the kitchen next to Emyri and told her what today was and said maybe she could give daddy some extra hugs and kisses today she got all wide eyed and asked, "Is Papa Al coming back now?!"

Not yet Em, but I know we'll see him again.
Every part of my heart says we'll get to 'go walking' with Papa again.

We laid in bed tonight talking. Talking about June 13th. Today was also our last baby's due date. I remember when I got pregnant and found out the due date would be June 13th thinking to myself, "Maybe it'll make June 13th easier somehow. A death, but also a new life."

We didn't get to keep that baby.

And I fully understand the biological role of miscarriages and I trust my Heavenly Father with every ounce of me and I even feel peaceful about not having that baby right now in my arms knowing there are reasons I can't see in the present.

But the irony is interesting.

June 13th. Not an easy day, but a very very special one; sacred even.

I found Brin one morning carrying around Papa's picture stopping to kiss him every once in a while.