Oh hi.

Remember me.

The girl who used to be the author of this blog.

Sheesh: )

This year has been our year of many changes

and apparently for me with change comes a HUGE adjustment period.

And even though all of the changes have been great, incredible even,

I feel like I've been treading water since March.

Happily treading....like a crazy lady: )

You see, when I get thrown off my game, apparently I get THROWN OFF MY GAME.

And it takes me a while (read FOREVER) to get back in the swing of things.

But I am SO ready be back in the swing of things.

So here I am.

I've had a lot of interesting thoughts and feelings stirring around inside of me the last little while.

Feelings that have pressed on my heart strong and long enough to capture my full attention.

Bits and pieces of a bigger puzzle that have been slowly gathering, connecting, and coming together over a long time; years even.

Part of that puzzle, that bigger picture, has particularly come together lately in a way I never expected.

Funny how things most often come together in ways you didn't imagine.

But over and over this thought has come to my heart and mind...

"Make a video of you and your family's life every day for the next year of your life... and share it."

Man, that sounds like no big deal, lame even...

but you have no idea how scared I was to just speak that out loud.

Scared of what speaking it out loud entails.

Scared that is sounds ridiculous.

Scared of committing to something so big.

(For me it feels big, HUGE even.  As a mom of three little kids, I choose what I do with my time so carefully.  I recognize how precious this time is.  Adding something that feels so big to the things I'm already racing to accomplish feels like crazy talk.  Remember my whole treading water confession?  Imagine treading water while trying to record, edit, and post a video everyday.

Pretty much obvious drowning ensues; am I right?)

Scared of failing; of not following through.

Scared that it'll get hard.

Scared of giving up.

Scared of putting myself out there.

Scared to show you our crazy, goofy lives.

Scared people will see how weird we really are.

Scared to look like a fool.

But also scared to live bigger, deeper, wider.

Scared to leave this nice little comfort zone I've built for myself.

Scared to share my thoughts and heart.

Scared of rejection.

Scared to become more.

Scared to dream.

bah!

But despite all those things that sound like pretty darn good reasons to pack my little camera away forever and to not even try....

I can't deny the feelings I've felt to do this.

And to do it now.

I've thought a lot lately about reaching for dreams, about taking our lives in our own hands and living beyond what we thought even possible;
Of taking this one shot we have at life and making the absolute most of it,

Of loving and living to the fullest, of making a difference....a BIG difference.

And you know what?

We can never get to those places without stepping through those fears and just going for it.

So this is me...

stepping through those fears.

(Oh dear. Just keep breathing.)

I guess in reality, this is us stepping through those fears.

But pretty much Chad's not scared of anything.

Not even being home alone in the dark all night.

: )

And you know what, as much as I'm afraid, I'm also excited.
Excited to follow my heart.
(because so far it has never led me astray....cross your fingers)
Excited to do something hard and scary.
Excited to face some fears.
Excited to share this crazy little family of mine with you.
Excited to live and love bigger and deeper and wider.
Excited to connect.
Excited to reach out.
Excited to capture and cherish the moments.
Excited to somehow stop time for my kids.
Excited to create something that will mean so much to us someday.
Excited that maybe, just maybe, someone else out there is excited about this too.
(Even if it's just my mom:  ) Hi mom!)


I have to be honest though.

I'm not the first person who wants to jump in front of a camera or film myself.

But I've had a couple experiences that have got me thinking.

One day a girl I know posted something on facebook that really got me thinking.
She said, "Every day do one thing you're afraid of"
And then she posted a picture of herself makeup-less.
She was makeup-less and beautiful and brave.
And stronger than she was a day before.

Around this same time I read an article and had some discussion with my Power of Moms group about challenging ourselves to 'be in the picture' with our kids.
'Be in the picture' figuratively and literally.
Be in their lives today so you can be in their memories tomorrow
as well as, "Quit being camera shy and worrying about this or that and get your buh-tooty in the picture with your kids.  Someday these pictures will be priceless."

We've been following a family that has been making daily videos for a long time.
And as much as they're just entertaining and fun to watch and talk about and share a lot of really cool things, there's something more to what they're doing.

I remember one day watching one of their videos where they were at their son's band concert.
It was a simple moment really.
The dad was just filming his 8 year old son jamming out on the guitar, the whole time just cheering him on and saying how awesome his son was.
And suddenly my mind went back to the day after Chad's dad passed away.

We all got together in his sister's basements, the whole family, and watched home video after home video; reminiscing, laughing, remembering.
Every time Chad's dad made an appearance or some comment from behind the camera everyone would laugh and get excited.
You could just feel it, the room thick with love.

There were only a handful of videos with his dad in them; a priceless handful.
In fact, we only have one short, little clip on our computer that Chad took when he and his dad went fishing right before he passed away.
I can't tell you how often that one little clip gets played.

So in that moment of this dad filming his son's band concert, and really being there for him, I thought to myself,
"One day all of these daily videos are going to mean SO much to those kids.
More than words can even express.
They will have no doubt that their parents loved them, loved each other, taught them, cherished them, shared so much happiness with them, and were completely there for them
They are creating something so priceless." 

And honestly, it won't only be priceless just for their children, but for everyone who loves them and everyone they have loved back.

So pretty much what we're saying is we love people.
You, our kids, our family our friends, all ya'll.

If you're taking the time to even read this blog,

especially after my MIA,

then you are someone I love and I'm talking to you.

We love the people in our life; you people.

We want to be part of your lives.

We want you to be part of ours.

This is one way we really hope that can happen.

So it begins.
A whole year.
 A video every day.
Us.
You.
(You possibly being completely bored out of your mind....highly possible)

But who knows...
This may just be our best year yet!

Here's the link to our Youtube page and our videos so far....
Take a gander and join us for the ride! : )
(due to excessive sick tummies and vomiting last week, we're already behind on the posts!
 But never fear, we are not giving up on this!
We have footage for every day so far and will get 'em up asap!)

Our Best Year Yet : Youtube Channel

"Always ignite your spirit, love life more than you fear it, dream big but work even more, and reach heights you never knew you could before."

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -Mark Twain

"You control your future, your destiny. What you think about comes about. By recording your dreams and goals on paper, you set in motion the process of becoming the person you most want to be. Put your future in good hands: your own."  -Mark Victor Hansen

"You should never let your fears become the boundaries of your dreams."

p.s. Sorry this is so ridiculously long!  Honestly I could have gone on and on and shared things like the fact that I'll be staring down at my precious kiddos and just wish my eyes were camera's and how this will kind of let that happen.....
"Stop, Vandi.  Just stop!  You have 365 days to share your running random brain full of thoughts.  Give it a rest already!" : )

ok.
I'm done now.

*Originally written on 9/27 (last  Thursday)

I had a breakthrough of sorts with Em today.

She's had a really hard time since school has started.

Adjusting to the schedule was harder than expected.

She was tired, tired, tired.

And then she got sick, sick, sick.

And then she was sick and tired.....and sick and tired of being sick and tired.....

You get the point.

Plus, I think there is a lot more going on inside of a little six year old than we often realize.

Things you don't anticipate, especially when the six year old is usually very easy going, flexible, secure, and happy.

You think to yourself, "Oh they'll be fine. Starting school should be easy peasy for this kid. No biggie at all."

Welp.  I was wrong.

And now that I think about it, why didn't I conceive that even a secure, easy going child can get anxious and feel uncertain with such a huge change in their life.

I think of the butterflies I get in my stomach in new situations I'm faced with.

I think of how nervous I get sometimes to meet new people or be completely thrown out of my comfort zone.

Heck, I'm smack dab in the middle of a 'being thrown out of my comfort zone' situation right now,

and sometimes I have to remind myself to 'just breath',

settle my mind long enough get some sleep,

calm the gravy down,

and then breath again.

Heck, my eye has even started twitching.

Em has had to do a lot more facing the nervousness and butterflies head on than I've realized lately.

And she probably doesn't even have the understanding to comprehend or even define what all these crazy emotions inside of her are.

She absolutely loves school; loves it.
My mom, who is another kindergarten teacher at her school, says she peeks in on Em often and she's always doing so great, sitting, listening, obeying her teacher, working hard, being kind, etc.

Which is awesome.

I'm so proud of her, and honestly knew that's how she would be at school.

That's just Ems.


But that isn't the Em that has come home from school for the last four weeks.

And I'm just realizing.....

we can only handle the emotional jitters for so long, especially as a little kid.

We put our game face and courage on when we walk out the door....

 and then we come home, to our safe place, and let the walls down.

For Em that came out as way more frustration, impatience, and raw emotions.

And it's been hard.

I've been trying and trying to figure out the best way to handle things.

I am always second guessing myself.

Am I the only Mom out there always second guessing herself?

I sure hope not : )

I tried getting right on bad behavior first thing......emotional explosions occurred.

I tried ignoring.......hours of moping ensued.

I tried changing consequences.

I tried being more consistent and to the point.

And then finally, I sincerely got down and asked the One who really understands what's going on.

"Heavenly Father, I know you know Emyri perfectly.

I know you know what she needs.

She's having a hard time.

I'm having a hard time.

And I don't know what to do.

Please give me the wisdom.

In the moment, give me the wisdom I need to help her,

to make her feel loved and secure and accepted.

To know she doesn't have to be perfect.

To help her feel peaceful.

To help us feel connected again.

I love her so much.

I want to feel that camaraderie with her again.

Please help me to be what I need to be for her.

Please help me to know how to help her most."

That prayer was uttered last night.

And today has been a brand new day.

I woke up today and decided to abandon my old tactics.

(okay, well not completely abandon)

But I chose to focus so much more on some new things like......

-Greeting her off the bus with a huge smile and open arms.

-Not doing anything else for the first hour she's home from school but just being completely present with her, sitting by her, talking to her, no distractions (which translates as no computer or cleaning time for me).

-Making sure I take the opportunity to sit by her on the couch and cuddle with her while we either read or watch a cartoon.

(She is one who doesn't naturally cuddle much, but I had the impression that even though it's not second nature to her, she needs extra cuddles from us right now; physical reassurance of our love and security)

-Dropping what I'm doing to say "Yes" to playing with her.

-Saying "Yes" as much as I can.

-Having a more lightheartedness; making her laugh; making sure I laugh at things she's said or done.

(I think Em feels a lot of bonding in laughter and being able to make someone laugh, it's kind of how she feels and shows love.)

-Dismissing what negative behavior I can, and then gently, quietly, and calmly reminding her of her manners, or the family rules when needed; dropping the subject more quickly.

(man, I can sure drag some of our 'talks' on and on....I'm sure I'm a pain to listen to sometimes)

-Taking interest more in the moment of what she's interested in and doing; do it with her.

Today after school, I just sat on the couch with all of the three kids around me.

I just sat there and we talked and I listened.

They played doctor.

Austin and I were the patients.

It wasn't even hard.

In fact, it was so fun.

Later we cuddled on the couch and watched a show.

Again, not even hard.

In fact, I was totally loving just laying there with my girls.

And then before supper I was cleaning up and was about to vacuum when Em asked if I'd jump with her.

I almost forgot.....

I almost chose the vacuum over her,

But last second, I said, "Sure" : )

And I'm so glad I did.

We jumped on the tramp holding hands while she made up lyrics to a song; we sang her made up chorus together.....it was honestly magical.

Not even being cheesy.

Compared to the feelings that have been stirring between us lately, this was like a Hallelujah!

The day ended great.

No melt downs....nothing.

And the best part was,

The camaraderie came seeping back.

That warmth was there again.

And it meant so much to me.

I'm so thankful that these children aren't just my own.

That they're His children too.

I felt so much extra love and wisdom and help from Heavenly Father today.

It's amazing what a new day and some heaven sprinkles can do.

I love that little girl to the moon and back....

Yesterday while all the cousins were here going on the waterslide and I was filming them, Brinely and her cousin went off to the side of the house to play on the fourwheeler trailers like they sometimes do.

I didn't think anything of it or worry about it because they play there often.

When I came up the hill from filming, my mom looked worried and told me she'd found Brinley playing with an antifreeze container that was leaking.

Brinley had antifreeze around her mouth.

She hurried and gave Brin a big drink of water and ran inside to look up poison control information on antifreeze.

I asked Brinley if the antifreeze had just been on her mouth or if it had gone down her throat.

She said it was on her tongue.

After talking to her more, we decided she'd probably just gotten a tiny amount on her tongue and around her mouth, but we watched her closely to make sure she didn't start showing any signs of poisoning.

She seemed fine the rest of the night, but my mind kept going over what would have happened if she'd gotten the lid off, or what if my mom hadn't checked on them when she did.

That night, I knelt by my bed and thanked Heavenly Father over and over again for whatever heavenly help watched over her and protected her that day and encouraged my mom to check on her when she did.

I felt terrible for being distracted and not being there for her myself.
I love that little girl so much.
I made sure to stare at her extra hard the rest of the day; take her all in.
And give her extra kisses that night as she slept.

Today could have ended so differently.

I'm so thankful that my children aren't just my own....that they're Heavenly Father's children too.

And that He is so aware of them and is here to help us protect and take care of them.

I love Him and thank Him so much for that.

Today has been a long day.

But a good day.

Chad left for the 6th Annual Boys campout this morning.

Boy was that boy excited: )

Brecon came and helped him load the truck and off they went.

I know they're gonna have a blast.....and I'm glad: )

Poor Em's though.

She cried and cried for an hour straight tonight before bed because she missed her daddy so much.

I think she genuinely had that home sick, longing kind of feeling.

I felt bad for her.

We said a prayer and sang some silly songs....

and she's now finally asleep.

It's 10:30.

And I finally get to eat dinner!

Did I mention it's 10:30.

haha!

Oh well, such is the life of a mother.

I wouldn't change it for the world: )

The girls and I went to the Osmond Elementary to play today.

My old stomping grounds.

Chad always jokes that Little Chiefs (his elementary mascot) kill Cougars (my elementary mascot) easy, peasy.

I just tell him Cougars stalk Little Chief's and tear there faces off in the night.

So yep.  Pretty much I win.

It was so fun watching the girls play together at the school yard and playground.

They ran through the sprinklers, rode there little bikes around as fast as their little legs would let them, and made up this super awesome game in which they had magical powers and I was the bad witch that stole their baby brother.

Of course I played along and ran away holding Austin while laughing my best evil laugh.

Austin totally nailed his role as kidnapped baby brother.

He's a natural. : )

But honestly, it's hilarious watching Em and Brin play pretend together.  They instantly jump into character. And all the expressions and the commentary......funny, funny stuff: )

After the magical powers game died down in intensity, they discovered the awesomeness of acoustics. We each took turns belting out songs at the top of our lungs in the big entry way of the school building. 

Heck, that entry way even had me sounding good.

They were stinkin' adorable standing on top of their cinder block stages, making up random words to random tunes.

I remember making up the same kinds of songs.

Only with more vertebrata: )

I think Em's song said something about not falling in love with someone you love because your sister loves them more than you.....and Brin's song was an eclectic mixture of completely random words ending with the word NATURE! (sung with both arms reaching out and her head held back).

At least it had some spunk to it.

I think it must have been hip hop: )

While the girls finished up their singing, I layed on the grass with Austin on my tummy and stared into his face.

Man, there is something about looking into this little boys eyes.

He is wise.

So wise.

I can just feel it.

We stopped and picked up snow cones on the way home.

Unfortunately, they didn't accept cards.

And as I was jogging between two different stores trying to find somewhere I could get cash back, while an awesome lady from an old ward of ours who just happened to be there held my baby and watched my girls  (Thank you so much awesome lady!)  I thought to myself....

We go through the chaoticness (pretend that's a word) and all the crazy moments because we love our kids so much.

On the way home, I watched Em and Brin through the rear view mirror as they slurped away on their snow cones and laughed like crazy about something or other.

All the jaunting back and forth between stores...totally worth it.

Yep, pretty good day.

But I'm still gonna miss sleeping by the ol' BFF tonight.

Kinda like that boy.

p.s. Tomorrow's goal: Post Austin's birth story.

Sheesh, he's only three and a half months old....you'd think I'd have it out by now: )

Isn't the fact that we can sit at a screen in our own home and connect with people and stories and experiences from all over the world pretty incredible? It's mind boggling if you actually think about it, but I just wanted to share some things I've read lately that have inspired me and changed me for the better.

The first is from a friend of mine from Snow College. She is pretty amazing if you ask me and her little family has taken on an adoption adventure that is completely inspiring. Read there story here. You can go back through her blog to read older posts up until her newest posts. I'm so excited to see their journey unfold. They remind me that you can do GREAT things in this life, even when you are young and that if you will follow the whisperings in your heart miracles will follow.

Grab This!

The next is another adoption story I came across. It's written so beautifully and brought a perspective and understanding that my heart and mind hadn't considered before. Read it. It's amazing. Start here and then click on "newer posts" to get the full story. It has 5 parts.

And finally, I came across this post on a blog I frequent. It's a story that speaks a lot to my heart. I get it. And I love it. She explains so much in a simple story and I'm grateful I had the chance to read it. Go ahead and check out her entire blog and story. You won't regret it. She is an amazing person who has been through and overcome so much. I don't even know her, but I want to be more like her.

Oh...and this is pretty awesome too: )

What have you read lately (or not lately for that matter) that's inspired you, changed you, reached you? I would LOVE to know, so seriously go ahead and share! : ) Love you all whoever and wherever you are.

These little moments.....

Emyri encouragingly says, "Brin you want to try?!" as she hold her arms out to her little sister. Brinley excitedly smiles and ever so trustingly lets her big sister pick her up and lift her little body onto the rubber swing in the Boondocks play place. By the look of anticipation on their faces both of them know Brin is in for the ride of her life. Em pulls her back slowly, then lets her go with a burst of joy. Immediately they both giggle in delight as one sister steps back to watch the other twist and turn and swing. Neither of them can stop the ear to ear grin from spreading across their faces nor the abundance of happy little girl noises erupting from inside of them somewhere.

And I sit and watch in awe through the net barrier between us and soak it all in; the love, the trust, the sharing in each others delights. The smiles, the sounds, the look on their faces and in their eyes. I wonder how this simple moment can mean so much to me, but realize that's what being a mother is all about. These simple moments that reach to your core and speak a million thoughts and feelings all at once.

Heavenly Father knew what He was doing sending us here to families, letting us be parents. My soul has deepened and widened in ways I never even knew existed before I held one of my babies in my arms. My view has grown and grown and only continues to grow. My eyes are opening into His eyes, what He sees and how He loves. And I'm so thankful for the chance.

Baby Bump

So I entered Z103's baby bump photo contest and didn't make it to the finals, but thought I'd share our pictures anyway: )

They were fun to make.

And can you believe it? Only 9 weeks left 'til little bro-man makes his grand entrance!

Craziness.

I've officially entered nesting mode and am currently taking on reorganization of our entire storage room.

Yeah, pretty sure our front room is a disaster zone, but ahhh the satisfaction of de-junking and organizing.

I think I'm an addict.

And if you wanna go check out the baby bump finalists and cast your vote, you can see them

HERE.

Lest I forget.

Favorite moments from today....

-Emyri with no forewarning nor hesitation walking straight up to the pulpit and retelling her talk from the Primary program for her testimony during testimony meeting: )

-The content and spirited look on her face as she walked back. priceless.

-Getting to sit by Chad during Gospel Doctrines class for the first time in a year. I just got released from my Primary calling. Loved being able to razz him, poke him when needed, and run thoughts past him. Love that kid.

-Sitting back and watching Brin's hyper self after church.

Good night that girl was on one and it was good stuff: ) I should have been filming. She's into cool head gestures, talking in funny slurred hick accents, and saying things like, "rock and roll!", "big daddy", and "tooter-ma-goots".

(The latter being said almost continually in response to anything. It's her catch phrase. In fact, when she randomly called out "tooter-ma-goots" during dinner at Wingers the other night, Em rolled her eyes and blandly said, "Knew that was coming." We do Brin; know it's coming. And we somehow still think it's hilarious every.time. And the best part is you do too.)

-family dog pile on dad turned into "pretend we're on a mountain".

-Baby brother's continual kicking fest on my ribs all day long.

It's no 60 minute spa massage, but I love knowing he's there, moving, living.....working on his field goal kicking.

-Walking in the front door, home from church, to the smell of my very first crock pot roast cooking away.

mmm,mmm...

Mom, it smelled like Sunday: )

-Tonight, eating a grapefruit with sugar sprinkled on top; just the way my old friend Frank would make them for me when I was little and sitting across from him on his rickety two person table.

Loved every bite.

Can't get enough grapefruit nor the memories: )

-Seeing my two girls take a quick break from playing to cuddle on the couch with their daddy while he rested; smiling and thinking to myself, "Their first love really is their daddy."

This.....

Favorite moments from the last few days....

-Hearing the girls laugh uncontrollably from the other room as they rough housed, climbed on each other, and were thrown about by 'daddy'. They didn't get to see him all day. Pretty sure they missed him: )

Pretty sure I missed him too.

-Brinley consoling Emyri when she was scared in bed tonight. Brin kept patting her on the back and looking her in the face while saying, "But Sisser, Brinley's here." All of this followed by kisses on the hand and cheek.

-The other day Brin hurt her arm and was crying. Em has a hard time when she knows her little sister is hurting. While Chad and I were comforting Brin, Emyri went down stairs and got Brin her favorite puppy and care bear....then a soft blanky...and then the kindle fire: ) She knows how to make a little sister feel ALL better: )

-Me: "Brin, do you love Sisser (Emyri)?"

-Brin: "She's my best friend."

I look at these two little girls and am amazed by the love they have for each other. Of course they don't get along all the time, and sometimes they bug the bu-jeebees out of each other, but when it all comes down to it, they love each with a depth and a fierceness that is incredible to be a beholder of.

I feel so blessed that Chad and I were able to bring them together in this life, to be sisters forever.

So blessed that I get to be their momma: )

Seriously love their guts.

I know it's late.....like 12:18 am too late. But I said there would be some "gems" from the binder today (technically yesterday) and by golly I need to stick to my word more this year...so here are a quick few.

Chad and I on his high school graduation night: )

The next couple need some background. Chad thought it was hilarious to paint me random water color pictures to give me a taste of his fine art skills.

Robert...he's my dad.

And Big Duck.....well, he's a big duck.

I'm sure this is one I got with my Christmas presents the year before he left on his mission.

Check out the tiny arms and boots....two of many special features with this Big Guy: )

And this is the card Chad gave me right before he headed out for his mission to Mexico.

Fitting right: )

What Once Was Lost....

2012? Seriously. Time has this incredible way of speeding up. It's insane and amazing all at once to take a step back and realize where you're at and remember from where you've come.

Can I just say I love this life and it's simultaneously inching yet rapid way of changing us.

I got the chance to step back and realize and remember when an aching prayer I've been praying for years was answered last night.

When Chad left on his mission I started keeping all of his letters and pictures and my own thoughts and journal entries in a binder. A plain old green binder. And that binder got so full I started filling a plain old black binder.

I know those things may not seem life shatteringly significant, but for me, we're talking about precious, precious stuff here people.

Those binders started me, and really us, in one place and ended us in another. From first page to last carried a story and a process of a thousand defining moments, life altering realizations, changes, soul searching experiences.

A huge record of our love, the process of it's unfolding, and who we've become were held in those two binders.

See what I'm saying?

Precious stuff.

It wasn't until around two years of marriage and six moves that I realized those binders were missing. I looked everywhere....through all of our storage, my family's storage, Chad's family's storage, under beds, in closest, garages, anywhere I could think of that might be hiding them.

No such luck.

Those two binders were one of those things that I've lost that actually brought me physical heartache to think about.

I've prayed about finding them many times over the years, but it wasn't until a few months ago that I randomly thought of them again, felt the twinge of wishing I had them back, and prayed more pointedly,

"Heavenly Father, I know you are able to know where those binders are. I know they are not that big of a deal....(By now I'm feeling somewhat like a little kid who has lost their favorite blankey and can't stop crying)....and I know life will go on without them, but to me and to Chad and I, they mean a lot......if they are anywhere on this planet in a form that I can have them (I'm picturing them lying under layers of garbage in some landfill somewhere) can you please lead me to them? Can you please bring them back to me."

And that was that. I prayed and then forgot about that simple prayer.....that was until a few nights ago when we met Chad's family at a restaurant over the holidays and his sister Katie said, "Oh Vandi, I was going through some boxes that I thought were mine and found these two binders. They looked like they were filled with letters from Chad's mission. I thought I'd tell you about them in case you wanted them."

Say WHAT?!

I couldn't believe it.

I am not a crier, but I felt like I might have myself a happy cry. right there in the restaurant.

I'm sure she thought I was a little crazy with my instantly embracing her and excited overreaction.

But I couldn't help hugging her for finding what I thought was long lost.

And then I suddenly remembered that little prayer....

along with this feeling;

a gentle "hug" and "smile" and "just wanted you to remember I love you"

from the One who brought them back to me.

Chad and I have been pouring over their pages today. Smiling, laughing, feeling, remembering.

It's been nine years since that time in our lives. A time with so many questions, uncertainties, so much to learn, so much to discover, so much ahead of us.

We have grown so much in those nine years.

We and our lives and our love and our experiences together have gained so much; three of the greatest being two amazing little girls and one much anticipated and precious little boy.

We were just two little kids, best friends, and all we knew was that Heavenly Father had brought us to our friendship and we cared about each other and had helped and healed each other more than we could say.

I can't thank Heavenly Father enough for bringing those binders back to me.

I hope someday they will mean something to our kids; tell a precious story more intricate than we could describe to them.

Life is amazing.

Especially when we choose to make it that way.

I'm so thankful for all the experiences I have had that have brought me to this time and place in my life. My life is filled to the brim with love and I am given more than I have ever deserved.

To me, Chad really is proof of that.

2012 will be a huge year of change for us; another chapter in our adventure together.

It's exciting and terrifying all at once to wonder where we will be by the end of this year, but I will embrace the curves and turns....

because isn't it all really just amazing, this experience of life.

I think so.

p.s. some "gems" from the binders to come tomorrow.....

It's a......

So I found this cool idea online one day when I was searching for baby shower games for a party I was helping host.

This couple instead of finding out what they were having at their ultra sound had the doctor seal a picture of the baby's gender in an envelope.

The couple gave the envelope to one of their friends who then made them a cake with either pink frosting or blue frosting inside depending on the gender of the baby.

Then they had a get together to reveal the gender of the baby to themselves as well as their friends and family by cutting the cake: )

I was just barely pregnant and thought that would be a pretty awesome way to find out and a cool way to get to share the moment with everyone.

Now I just had to convince Chad.

Well, it took a while (he can't handle waiting for surprises!) but I convinced him and the BIG DAY arrived.

And it was AWESOME!

We were so anxious and excited all day long, and having to wait a little made it that much more exciting. Although after the ultra sound today, Chad could barely contain himself having to wait any longer to find out. : )

We got together with some friends for dinner and CAKE this evening. And it was even more exciting because our friends Rachelle and Nathan (who are expecting the same day we are) were also revealing what they were having.

It was excitement x 2!

I wish somehow all of our friends and family could have been with us tonight to share in the moment. Even just the size of our apartment made it impossible to invite everyone we would have loved to have. But know we miss and love you all and hope doing it this way will at least let you be a part of our moment, even if it is from afar: )

So here is our awesome news....in digitally uploaded fashion.

Enjoy!

Oh, and watch the look on Chad's face. He was so surprised!

See, I knew it'd be worth the wait to catch that face on camera: )

(love the classy pose the thumbnail caught me in here.....sheesh)

Oh, and if you don't want to spoil the surprise, watch the vid before scrolling down : )

Our Dr. was pretty humored by our little plan....especially after he knew how anxious Chad was to find out.

He even lovingly titled our baby's man-child parts "Honky Tonker"

Needless to say......it's been one of those good, good days: )

Untitled by Reid Garnett

In attempts to teach some work ethics and the power of choice and consequences around this joint, I've started having the girls clean there room in the mornings before they can go outside to play.

It's gone pretty well, but this morning has been a different story.

They are currently IN THEIR ROOM UNTIL IT'S CLEAN.

And although they have pulled the mattress off of Em's bed and about every toy out of the closet and are presently laughing their heads off while practicing their aerobatics...

I've chosen to be cool as a cucumber.

No power struggles today. I know some natural consequences like

rumbly, hungry tummies or a neighbor friend knocking on the door wanting to play will eventually kick their motivation into gear.

Anywho, different post for a different day.

But, before the aerobatics began and I'd first asked the girls to clean there room, Em kept saying, "Mom....you've gotta help us! We can't do this ourselves!"

And I found myself saying, "Em, I am helping you. I'm helping you to help yourself."

And after sending her disappointed self back into her room with some, 'I know you can do it's' and 'I believe in you's' knowing she probably wouldn't understand the lesson for years to come, I continued my own chores for the day when these thoughts started rumbling around inside.....

You know it's just like Heavenly Father.

We cry out in despair,

'You've gotta help us! We can't do this on our own!'

And although I have had many of those kinds of prayers answered in help beyond my own....

sometimes He answers by patting us on the back and sending us back out into the fight.

~But oh the love in those pats.~

We say, 'We want it easy! We don't want to have to reach and stretch outside ourselves. We don't want to have to fight and sweat and labor for the answers.'

But our Heavenly Father knows all we can become.

He knows how far we can stretch and reach and grow.

He knows.

And because our infant eyes don't see that far yet....

He will rarely go easy on us.

Until one day we do see.

And we thank Him and thank Him and thank Him.

I didn't realize I'd be so nervous.

But my hands were shaking when I filled out the paper work to get this little gem....

And I know you cannot even tell what's there...I barely could either.

But right in the middle was this little, tiny, fluttering AMAZING heartbeat.

And we couldn't be happier.

Dr. Prince helped me through my ectopic pregnancy and miscarriage.

The first thing he said to Chad and I when he walked in the room...

"I've been happy for you guys all day since I saw your name on the schedule this morning."

Good, good Doctor: )

And oh how I wished we'd filmed the moment we told the girls about their new baby sibling.

It was priceless.

First denial, "Nu-uh!"

Then, "Are you serious?"

Followed by little girl screams of joy and lots of jumping around!

We had them redo it for the camera, but they couldn't hide the excitement on their faces to make it actually look authentic.

Can it be March yet?

Because I cannot wait to see the look on their faces when they actually get to meet baby for the first time.

Now, that will be one sweet day.

[Originally written for June 13th]

June 13th

Today is the day. One year ago today we got this phone call. One year ago today, I saw more pain in the boy I love's eyes than ever before. It still breaks my heart. I can't believe it has been a year.

When I bent down in the kitchen next to Emyri and told her what today was and said maybe she could give daddy some extra hugs and kisses today she got all wide eyed and asked, "Is Papa Al coming back now?!"

Not yet Em, but I know we'll see him again.

Every part of my heart says we'll get to 'go walking' with Papa again.

We laid in bed tonight talking. Talking about June 13th. Today was also our last baby's due date. I remember when I got pregnant and found out the due date would be June 13th thinking to myself, "Maybe it'll make June 13th easier somehow. A death, but also a new life."

We didn't get to keep that baby.

And I fully understand the biological role of miscarriages and I trust my Heavenly Father with every ounce of me and I even feel peaceful about not having that baby right now in my arms knowing there are reasons I can't see in the present.

But the irony is interesting.

June 13th. Not an easy day, but a very very special one; sacred even.

I found Brin one morning carrying around Papa's picture stopping to kiss him every once in a while.

One night last week I found myself entirely unsettled.

After a day, or more like several days in a row, of time outs, and eye rolls and glares, and screaming, slammed doors, "your the worst mom ever"s, and lots of emotional bombs, I felt completely at a loss and filled with uncertainty and self doubt.

"What is going on?"

Things that usually worked were no longer working. Our resolve talks after timeouts which usually end with smiles and hugs were turning into war zones.

It seemed like every conversation or request became a battle field.

Instead of laughs there were massive tears. Instead of happy compliance there was utter defiance.

Why had all the fun been sucked from us?

And then the questions began...

Am I too hard on my kids?

Am I being walked on too much?

Should I ignore or distract bad behavior or promptly nip it in the bud?

Am I expecting too much out of my kids for how young they are?

Or will easing up leave room for the naughty's to slip right in for an extended stay?

How can I discipline in a way that leaves us feeling good?

etc.,etc.

until finally...

All of the questioning turned into a vicious analytical debate inside my brain of all my parenting actions and they're possible psychological and emotional ramifications.

BAH! You social science degree!

So I found myself on my knees, pouring my heart out to a Father who knows all about tantrums and children who don't listen, and just how much patience and wisdom sticking it out being a good parent takes.

Heavenly Father,

I just want them to know I love them.

I just want to laugh with them and make them smile.

I just want them to feel a comfort and connection when they think of me.

I want them to want to be in my arms.

I just want the patience and wisdom beyond my own it takes to make it through the tough side of parenting, the side where you know you're child's going to feel betrayed and angry. And feel like you've sucked the life right out of their fun and schemes. The part where they yell at you for teaching them things like manners, and hard work, and honesty, and kindness, and good attitudes. The part where they don't want to look at you or touch you because you've asked them to do something they don't want or think they need to do. The part where you feel your heart and patience and sane brain might burst.

Can I have that?

What can I do to have that?

How can I have that?

I left my knees with a few ideas to try, but still with that defeated feeling lingering.

Then morning came. And tantrums came. But this time something different happened. And I didn't notice it until after I handled a situation with surprising demeanor and wisdom. And then I felt it. This strength and lightness and patience that I hadn't felt in a while. And this happy air about me that took my interactions with my kids above myself.

I was so much more able to make it through the rough patches of the day without becoming so emotionally involved, and it did wonders for my kids too.

I let them have their emotions. I didn't make them mine.

I was more able to see what was important enough to address and what could be easily wiped away with some good humor and distraction.

But most of all I felt that connection with my girls that I'd been longing to feel.

We laughed together. I made them smile. I held their hands more and looked in their eyes when I told them I loved them.

I was able to feel the importance of the moments.

And I can't thank Him enough.

p.s. Thank you for everything Mom and Dad. Now I know....and now I can't thank you enough. I'll love you forever for all you have done for me. Thanks for sticking through the tough side of parenting. I am all I am because you loved me enough to let me grow...even when it hurt.

Happy Mother's Day Mom!