One night last week I found myself entirely unsettled.

After a day, or more like several days in a row, of time outs, and eye rolls and glares, and screaming, slammed doors, "your the worst mom ever"s, and lots of emotional bombs, I felt completely at a loss and filled with uncertainty and self doubt.

"What is going on?"

Things that usually worked were no longer working. Our resolve talks after timeouts which usually end with smiles and hugs were turning into war zones.

It seemed like every conversation or request became a battle field.

Instead of laughs there were massive tears. Instead of happy compliance there was utter defiance.

Why had all the fun been sucked from us?

And then the questions began...

Am I too hard on my kids?

Am I being walked on too much?

Should I ignore or distract bad behavior or promptly nip it in the bud?

Am I expecting too much out of my kids for how young they are?

Or will easing up leave room for the naughty's to slip right in for an extended stay?

How can I discipline in a way that leaves us feeling good?

etc.,etc.

until finally...

All of the questioning turned into a vicious analytical debate inside my brain of all my parenting actions and they're possible psychological and emotional ramifications.

BAH! You social science degree!

So I found myself on my knees, pouring my heart out to a Father who knows all about tantrums and children who don't listen, and just how much patience and wisdom sticking it out being a good parent takes.

Heavenly Father,

I just want them to know I love them.

I just want to laugh with them and make them smile.

I just want them to feel a comfort and connection when they think of me.

I want them to want to be in my arms.

I just want the patience and wisdom beyond my own it takes to make it through the tough side of parenting, the side where you know you're child's going to feel betrayed and angry. And feel like you've sucked the life right out of their fun and schemes. The part where they yell at you for teaching them things like manners, and hard work, and honesty, and kindness, and good attitudes. The part where they don't want to look at you or touch you because you've asked them to do something they don't want or think they need to do. The part where you feel your heart and patience and sane brain might burst.

Can I have that?

What can I do to have that?

How can I have that?

I left my knees with a few ideas to try, but still with that defeated feeling lingering.

Then morning came. And tantrums came. But this time something different happened. And I didn't notice it until after I handled a situation with surprising demeanor and wisdom. And then I felt it. This strength and lightness and patience that I hadn't felt in a while. And this happy air about me that took my interactions with my kids above myself.

I was so much more able to make it through the rough patches of the day without becoming so emotionally involved, and it did wonders for my kids too.

I let them have their emotions. I didn't make them mine.

I was more able to see what was important enough to address and what could be easily wiped away with some good humor and distraction.

But most of all I felt that connection with my girls that I'd been longing to feel.

We laughed together. I made them smile. I held their hands more and looked in their eyes when I told them I loved them.

I was able to feel the importance of the moments.

And I can't thank Him enough.

p.s. Thank you for everything Mom and Dad. Now I know....and now I can't thank you enough. I'll love you forever for all you have done for me. Thanks for sticking through the tough side of parenting. I am all I am because you loved me enough to let me grow...even when it hurt.

Happy Mother's Day Mom!

Day 14- a picture of you and your family

Photo54.com

Yeah, it's been a while since we've got a picture of our lil' fam. Time for an updated family photo!

The Bros and I

Mom, I swear I had one with you and dad in it too, but I couldn't find it.

I thought everyone might enjoy the mushroom cut I was sporting back in the day......

And one more for good measure!

Day 15- put your ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play

Five For Fighting: 100 Years

J.Wride: Snowflake

Better Than Ezra: Closer

Jesse McCartney: It's Over

Paul Cardall: Our Love

Snow Patrol: I Can Wait Forever

Bruce Springsteen: Born in the USA (yeah!)

Andrea Bocelli: Por Ti Volare

Boys Like Girls: The Great Escape

Kings of Leon: Use Somebody

Day 16- another picture of yourself

"They may take our lives...but they'll never take our FREEEDOM!"

or something like that.

Day 17- someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why.

My grandma Virginia.

I never got to know her in this life, so not only would I get to know her better by living a day in her perspective, but I'd also get to spend a day in heaven.

Now that would be a day.

Day 18- plans/dreams/goals you have

see here.

Day 19- nicknames you have and why you have them.

Mezmirelda- From Mom and Dad; not sure why though, but I always liked it: )

Sis-Obviously because I'm the only girl, but I love that just my big brother Jim calls me this.

Vandi La Grande-first nickname Chad ever gave me way back in the day.

Isn't the one you love supposed to give you cutesy nicknames like "Babe" and "Sweetcakes", not names that translate to infer you are of large stature?

Fat Head-Thanks Blake. Loved that one. I swear my heads not really that big.

Vancansom- thank you kel.

Valoo- mandy, was this you? ; )

Trippy- let's just say I had a hard time staying on my feet while playing b-ball.

Slowy- I'm starting to get this strange feeling that what I thought were endearing nicknames were in actuality name calling.

Viggo Mortensen- Chad and his random name giving.

and of course...

Van

Day #13- a letter to someone:

Over Christmas I was looking through the box of notes and letters Chad and I have written each other over the years. Seeing how we've known each other since Jr. High this box of notes is both big and full: ) So when I got to day thirteen, I thought I'd share a letter I wrote him way back when. But now that I'm here, sitting at the keyboard, waiting to type it out.......I'm actually kind of nervous.

Why? I'm not exactly sure. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that when I wrote this I was just a teenager with lots still to learn. Maybe it's the risk of sounding mushy, corny, immature, all of the above. So, keep that in mind and try not to laugh too hard at my crazy young self: )

Background: I wrote this letter the day after our first kiss; halfway through my Junior and his Senior years; a lot of the letter is referring to said 'kiss' : ) I figured it'd be pretty entertaining. And as much as I was tempted to edit some of the embarrassing things out, I decided to give you it all. scary. enjoy.

Hey Chad,

I'll try and say everything how I want, but knowing me it will probably come out completely wrong. I probably should use a pencil. Oh well.

I'll admit at the time it was really weird. Like you said, I don't think I was really thinking. To be honest, I wondered why kids liked to do it so much. (yeah, this was one of those embarrassing parts; why was I so brutally honest with him?) I wondered why I didn't feel anything, but I never once felt bad. I think one of the things that surprised me the most is that I thought I really would feel bad and regret it, but I don't. Not one bit. I prayed about this one a lot. and I really felt like it was what Heavenly Father wanted me to do. I felt him tell me that the kiss I would share with you wasn't like other kisses, that I'd grow closer to Him through it. And last night while I was reading my scriptures I felt the Spirit quite strong and I knew he was keeping the promise.

I was afraid to kiss you, because it could either be so good or so wrong, but He told me to trust Him, and I am so glad I did. I have to thank you. Thank you for being the kind of person that leads me to be closer to my Father in Heaven. I don't really understand why I didn't feel anything. All I know is what I felt after and what I feel now.

If that honestly was the worst kiss you've ever had (pretty sure it was. ha!) I'm really sorry. You can really tell me if it was. I won't feel bad, I'll just feel dumb. : )

When we were sitting in the truck, I really did feel the spirit and it hasn't left me since. I'm still learning what it's trying to say to me, but I know I feel so close to Heavenly Father. I'm actually so relieved I gave you my first kiss, and I hope it's something you will never regret either.

I'll try and say this right, and I still don't know all the answers, but know that I care about you so much and I know how special you are. Sometimes I really do know what I want. That night I came to Trent's after I'd talked to DJ was one of the most amazing nights for me. I felt so peaceful about the future we talked about. I know I could be happy with you forever, but I just don't know if that's how it will end up. I want you to know that I am afraid to go to college and even more afraid to date people. I feel like there's no way I can ever know that you're the one without first making sure. That's why I want you to date and find out too. If there's someone else out there for you, I want you to know.

I told you I will never forget you and I won't. I think sometimes I don't want to make plans in-case they don't turn out. I don't want to hurt you or me. Ever since I was little I've been making those lists of what I want my husband to be. Today when I was writing mine, I thought of all you were. I know you could very well be all I want. I also know that I have to become all those things on my list too. I know no one is perfect, but I've told myself for the longest time that this is the one decision I would never sell myself short on. I told myself I would work my hardest to become all I could and I would work my hardest to find someone who'd done the same. There are so many factors that go into a marriage, so many things to think about, but I'm realizing more and more that one of the greatest factors is faith. I know that if I do all I can for my Heavenly Father, that when the time come, He will let me know who will be the person who is the most right for me, who I will be happy with for eternity.

I don't think it would be fair for you or me to make too many plans. I feel like right now we can just have faith. I am so excited for your mission. I can't even begin to imagine how amazing it will be. I'm always so glad when you tell me that none of this will affect your mission. That is the last thing I ever want.

Chad, it has been the scariest yet the most amazing thing falling in love with you. I was so scared to love you, scared of what that would mean. If I loved you too much I just knew I was going to get hurt, or worse, I could hurt you. I sometimes think that if I didn't love you than I could be just a simple high school girl who could live her life however she wanted, but I always realize how much I would miss out on if I'd never let myself love you. You have brought so much meaning, experience, joy, spirituality, friendship, and goodness into my life. Just imagine all the memories that never would have been mine without you.

I really don't know what will happen, but I try not to "lean unto my own understandings". I know that if we both stay close to the Lord, He will always bless us. It brings me such peace of mind to know that you realize no matter what happens, that you will be happy. All I want is for you to be happy.

I do love you and I want you to fulfill your dreams, I just need to find out if my dreams and yours can be the same. I am so grateful for you and all you've taught me. I'm always amazed at how many things I can do wrong, and you still come back. It's not every boy who will wait around for a girl to get enough courage to kiss you. How many times did I pull away? oops. sorry.

Thank you for accepting me. Thanks for all you are. Man, I am weird! I'll stop writing now, I've talked way too much. I hope this all makes sense to you. Like you said, it's all supposed to be positive. Our kiss was weird at the time, but when I think about it now it seems so precious and sacred. There's somethings I can't explain and I think I've done a bad job of explaining all this. I can never really let you feel or know all I feel for you, but just trust me that it is so much. I'm sorry if this was too long. Woah. Take care and know that I always want you to be happy. "I thank my God upon every remembrance of you." -Philip. 1:3 : )

Thinking of you-

love, vandi lyn : )

Little did that girl know all she'd find in that boy and how he'd end up being the perfect one for her.

And man, if any of you could have watched that first kiss you would have slapped me for how many times I pulled away.

A while ago, I sat on my couch by our big glass back doors.

The sun was shining through the windows landing on the carpet below.

I love days like that day.

But as I looked closer, I could see something else.

As the light flooded the glass, I could see a hundred little fingerprints.

I began twisting my head this way and that, and from every angle I could only see more and more fingerprints.

Now, I was not really surprised.

I gave up a long time ago trying to keep those doors spotless.

Or did I ever try?

Regardless, those fingerprints on that day were teaching me something other than

"Sheesh, lady! Get out the Windex and clean the windows already!"

I thought about something Brother Bingham had said while he stood in front of us Snow college students to give a talk on the one year anniversary of his seventeen year old daughter's death.

"I used to think God kind of watched us from a bit of a distance and didn't do much for or against us unless we asked for it in one way or another. Now, while I do believe he allows us our agency, I believe He has a plan both micro and macro. And we often cannot see His hand in our daily lives....but if we look a little closer we shouldn't miss recognizing all the fingerprints He's left behind."

It's was during that time in my life, my first two years of college, that I started to really recognize Heavenly Father's fingerprints; the way He was orchestrating my life.

The timing of events and experiences, the people brought in and out of my life, the placements, the thoughts and feelings that would press my heart and mind, the lessons I was internalizing.

Coming to know He loved me enough to be active and present in my life left me awe struck and amazed.

"Why would He do that for a young girl like me?"

Instead, I came to see, "Why wouldn't He, after all I'm His young girl, and after all isn't it His work and His glory to bring to pass the immortality of man....of me?"

I've been thinking about this a lot; God's fingerprints; His hand in my life.

And ever since I heard this talk, I've been wanting to record the experiences where I've seen His hand in my life in one spot; a book of fingerprints.

I've also wanted to share some of those experiences with you here.

I originally wanted to write a daily post about His hand in my life, but as the days have passed and I've been writing some of these experiences in my journal I've recognized that a lot of these experiences are too personal and even too sacred to share with the whole world.

But...

There are some I can share and want to share with you, so I will: )

In fact, I think it'd be pretty amazing if you started sharing some of your own "God's Fingerprint" stories too.

Now, that would be good reading: )

While I don't believe every single coincidence in our life is an act of God, I do believe that there are specific and meaningful, even very personal "coincidences" that truly are His hand, showing us He is right there. And He has been all along.

I know you've had them. I know you know they feel different. There is more going on than what appears at first glance, and if we'll turn our head this way and that and "look a little closer we shouldn't miss recognizing all the fingerprints He's left behind."

Cuteness

How cute is this? I'm hoping to score me one over at DANG GINA's giveaway! Check it out.

You Are.....

You are my summer evenings

You are my sunny day

You are my light that's shining through

when all the skies are gray

You are my late night laughter

My smiling 'til it hurts

You are my pillow talk

My randomness in spurts

You are my complete comfort

My constant through it all

You are my open arms

My safe place to fall

You are the music in my heart

That reaches to my soul

The notes that fill my eager ears

The sound that makes me whole

You are my spontaneity

My kissing in the rain

You are my buzzer beater

in last seconds of the game

You are my great adventure

My whole hearted 'risk it all'

You are my best friend forever

my rock, my bridge, my wall

You are my brilliant future

Just waiting to unfold

You are my warmest blanket

for when my feet are cold

You are my precious moment

My 'take my breath away'

You are my look across the room

My 'words can never say'

You are my wild wind storm

My bursting into laughter

You are my everything

My happy ever after...

Happy Valentines Day C-Dub! I love you more than air.

(Don't hate me for posting these pictures)

.

Say What?! The 30 day challenge is to be done in 30 not 90 days? My bad.

Day #12- how you found out about blogger and why you have one...

I found out about blogging from this lovely lady and life long friend about two and a half years ago or so and thought to myself....

"What? A place to write what I think and feel about what's going on in my world? Awesome."

And so it was....and is.

In seventh grade, Mr. Saberon's class opened me up to the world of poetry and writing what you feel on paper. It was magical to me. It still is. So I keep writing...much less than I actually want, but still I write. And I hope I'll always write because everybody has a story to tell and no one will know all the mystery and amazement that is your life if you never speak it out loud. (Or more often in my case, write it out loud.)

I hope you'll keep writing too....writing real, writing you, because I love you and I love all you have to think and feel and say and share.

And that's that: )