It's a......

So I found this cool idea online one day when I was searching for baby shower games for a party I was helping host.

This couple instead of finding out what they were having at their ultra sound had the doctor seal a picture of the baby's gender in an envelope.

The couple gave the envelope to one of their friends who then made them a cake with either pink frosting or blue frosting inside depending on the gender of the baby.

Then they had a get together to reveal the gender of the baby to themselves as well as their friends and family by cutting the cake: )

I was just barely pregnant and thought that would be a pretty awesome way to find out and a cool way to get to share the moment with everyone.

Now I just had to convince Chad.

Well, it took a while (he can't handle waiting for surprises!) but I convinced him and the BIG DAY arrived.

And it was AWESOME!

We were so anxious and excited all day long, and having to wait a little made it that much more exciting. Although after the ultra sound today, Chad could barely contain himself having to wait any longer to find out. : )

We got together with some friends for dinner and CAKE this evening. And it was even more exciting because our friends Rachelle and Nathan (who are expecting the same day we are) were also revealing what they were having.

It was excitement x 2!

I wish somehow all of our friends and family could have been with us tonight to share in the moment. Even just the size of our apartment made it impossible to invite everyone we would have loved to have. But know we miss and love you all and hope doing it this way will at least let you be a part of our moment, even if it is from afar: )

So here is our awesome news....in digitally uploaded fashion.

Enjoy!

Oh, and watch the look on Chad's face. He was so surprised!

See, I knew it'd be worth the wait to catch that face on camera: )

(love the classy pose the thumbnail caught me in here.....sheesh)

Oh, and if you don't want to spoil the surprise, watch the vid before scrolling down : )

Our Dr. was pretty humored by our little plan....especially after he knew how anxious Chad was to find out.

He even lovingly titled our baby's man-child parts "Honky Tonker"

Needless to say......it's been one of those good, good days: )

Untitled by Reid Garnett

In attempts to teach some work ethics and the power of choice and consequences around this joint, I've started having the girls clean there room in the mornings before they can go outside to play.

It's gone pretty well, but this morning has been a different story.

They are currently IN THEIR ROOM UNTIL IT'S CLEAN.

And although they have pulled the mattress off of Em's bed and about every toy out of the closet and are presently laughing their heads off while practicing their aerobatics...

I've chosen to be cool as a cucumber.

No power struggles today. I know some natural consequences like

rumbly, hungry tummies or a neighbor friend knocking on the door wanting to play will eventually kick their motivation into gear.

Anywho, different post for a different day.

But, before the aerobatics began and I'd first asked the girls to clean there room, Em kept saying, "Mom....you've gotta help us! We can't do this ourselves!"

And I found myself saying, "Em, I am helping you. I'm helping you to help yourself."

And after sending her disappointed self back into her room with some, 'I know you can do it's' and 'I believe in you's' knowing she probably wouldn't understand the lesson for years to come, I continued my own chores for the day when these thoughts started rumbling around inside.....

You know it's just like Heavenly Father.

We cry out in despair,

'You've gotta help us! We can't do this on our own!'

And although I have had many of those kinds of prayers answered in help beyond my own....

sometimes He answers by patting us on the back and sending us back out into the fight.

~But oh the love in those pats.~

We say, 'We want it easy! We don't want to have to reach and stretch outside ourselves. We don't want to have to fight and sweat and labor for the answers.'

But our Heavenly Father knows all we can become.

He knows how far we can stretch and reach and grow.

He knows.

And because our infant eyes don't see that far yet....

He will rarely go easy on us.

Until one day we do see.

And we thank Him and thank Him and thank Him.

I didn't realize I'd be so nervous.

But my hands were shaking when I filled out the paper work to get this little gem....

And I know you cannot even tell what's there...I barely could either.

But right in the middle was this little, tiny, fluttering AMAZING heartbeat.

And we couldn't be happier.

Dr. Prince helped me through my ectopic pregnancy and miscarriage.

The first thing he said to Chad and I when he walked in the room...

"I've been happy for you guys all day since I saw your name on the schedule this morning."

Good, good Doctor: )

And oh how I wished we'd filmed the moment we told the girls about their new baby sibling.

It was priceless.

First denial, "Nu-uh!"

Then, "Are you serious?"

Followed by little girl screams of joy and lots of jumping around!

We had them redo it for the camera, but they couldn't hide the excitement on their faces to make it actually look authentic.

Can it be March yet?

Because I cannot wait to see the look on their faces when they actually get to meet baby for the first time.

Now, that will be one sweet day.

[Originally written for June 13th]

June 13th

Today is the day. One year ago today we got this phone call. One year ago today, I saw more pain in the boy I love's eyes than ever before. It still breaks my heart. I can't believe it has been a year.

When I bent down in the kitchen next to Emyri and told her what today was and said maybe she could give daddy some extra hugs and kisses today she got all wide eyed and asked, "Is Papa Al coming back now?!"

Not yet Em, but I know we'll see him again.

Every part of my heart says we'll get to 'go walking' with Papa again.

We laid in bed tonight talking. Talking about June 13th. Today was also our last baby's due date. I remember when I got pregnant and found out the due date would be June 13th thinking to myself, "Maybe it'll make June 13th easier somehow. A death, but also a new life."

We didn't get to keep that baby.

And I fully understand the biological role of miscarriages and I trust my Heavenly Father with every ounce of me and I even feel peaceful about not having that baby right now in my arms knowing there are reasons I can't see in the present.

But the irony is interesting.

June 13th. Not an easy day, but a very very special one; sacred even.

I found Brin one morning carrying around Papa's picture stopping to kiss him every once in a while.

One night last week I found myself entirely unsettled.

After a day, or more like several days in a row, of time outs, and eye rolls and glares, and screaming, slammed doors, "your the worst mom ever"s, and lots of emotional bombs, I felt completely at a loss and filled with uncertainty and self doubt.

"What is going on?"

Things that usually worked were no longer working. Our resolve talks after timeouts which usually end with smiles and hugs were turning into war zones.

It seemed like every conversation or request became a battle field.

Instead of laughs there were massive tears. Instead of happy compliance there was utter defiance.

Why had all the fun been sucked from us?

And then the questions began...

Am I too hard on my kids?

Am I being walked on too much?

Should I ignore or distract bad behavior or promptly nip it in the bud?

Am I expecting too much out of my kids for how young they are?

Or will easing up leave room for the naughty's to slip right in for an extended stay?

How can I discipline in a way that leaves us feeling good?

etc.,etc.

until finally...

All of the questioning turned into a vicious analytical debate inside my brain of all my parenting actions and they're possible psychological and emotional ramifications.

BAH! You social science degree!

So I found myself on my knees, pouring my heart out to a Father who knows all about tantrums and children who don't listen, and just how much patience and wisdom sticking it out being a good parent takes.

Heavenly Father,

I just want them to know I love them.

I just want to laugh with them and make them smile.

I just want them to feel a comfort and connection when they think of me.

I want them to want to be in my arms.

I just want the patience and wisdom beyond my own it takes to make it through the tough side of parenting, the side where you know you're child's going to feel betrayed and angry. And feel like you've sucked the life right out of their fun and schemes. The part where they yell at you for teaching them things like manners, and hard work, and honesty, and kindness, and good attitudes. The part where they don't want to look at you or touch you because you've asked them to do something they don't want or think they need to do. The part where you feel your heart and patience and sane brain might burst.

Can I have that?

What can I do to have that?

How can I have that?

I left my knees with a few ideas to try, but still with that defeated feeling lingering.

Then morning came. And tantrums came. But this time something different happened. And I didn't notice it until after I handled a situation with surprising demeanor and wisdom. And then I felt it. This strength and lightness and patience that I hadn't felt in a while. And this happy air about me that took my interactions with my kids above myself.

I was so much more able to make it through the rough patches of the day without becoming so emotionally involved, and it did wonders for my kids too.

I let them have their emotions. I didn't make them mine.

I was more able to see what was important enough to address and what could be easily wiped away with some good humor and distraction.

But most of all I felt that connection with my girls that I'd been longing to feel.

We laughed together. I made them smile. I held their hands more and looked in their eyes when I told them I loved them.

I was able to feel the importance of the moments.

And I can't thank Him enough.

p.s. Thank you for everything Mom and Dad. Now I know....and now I can't thank you enough. I'll love you forever for all you have done for me. Thanks for sticking through the tough side of parenting. I am all I am because you loved me enough to let me grow...even when it hurt.

Happy Mother's Day Mom!

Day 14- a picture of you and your family

Photo54.com

Yeah, it's been a while since we've got a picture of our lil' fam. Time for an updated family photo!

The Bros and I

Mom, I swear I had one with you and dad in it too, but I couldn't find it.

I thought everyone might enjoy the mushroom cut I was sporting back in the day......

And one more for good measure!

Day 15- put your ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play

Five For Fighting: 100 Years

J.Wride: Snowflake

Better Than Ezra: Closer

Jesse McCartney: It's Over

Paul Cardall: Our Love

Snow Patrol: I Can Wait Forever

Bruce Springsteen: Born in the USA (yeah!)

Andrea Bocelli: Por Ti Volare

Boys Like Girls: The Great Escape

Kings of Leon: Use Somebody

Day 16- another picture of yourself

"They may take our lives...but they'll never take our FREEEDOM!"

or something like that.

Day 17- someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why.

My grandma Virginia.

I never got to know her in this life, so not only would I get to know her better by living a day in her perspective, but I'd also get to spend a day in heaven.

Now that would be a day.

Day 18- plans/dreams/goals you have

see here.

Day 19- nicknames you have and why you have them.

Mezmirelda- From Mom and Dad; not sure why though, but I always liked it: )

Sis-Obviously because I'm the only girl, but I love that just my big brother Jim calls me this.

Vandi La Grande-first nickname Chad ever gave me way back in the day.

Isn't the one you love supposed to give you cutesy nicknames like "Babe" and "Sweetcakes", not names that translate to infer you are of large stature?

Fat Head-Thanks Blake. Loved that one. I swear my heads not really that big.

Vancansom- thank you kel.

Valoo- mandy, was this you? ; )

Trippy- let's just say I had a hard time staying on my feet while playing b-ball.

Slowy- I'm starting to get this strange feeling that what I thought were endearing nicknames were in actuality name calling.

Viggo Mortensen- Chad and his random name giving.

and of course...

Van

Day #13- a letter to someone:

Over Christmas I was looking through the box of notes and letters Chad and I have written each other over the years. Seeing how we've known each other since Jr. High this box of notes is both big and full: ) So when I got to day thirteen, I thought I'd share a letter I wrote him way back when. But now that I'm here, sitting at the keyboard, waiting to type it out.......I'm actually kind of nervous.

Why? I'm not exactly sure. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that when I wrote this I was just a teenager with lots still to learn. Maybe it's the risk of sounding mushy, corny, immature, all of the above. So, keep that in mind and try not to laugh too hard at my crazy young self: )

Background: I wrote this letter the day after our first kiss; halfway through my Junior and his Senior years; a lot of the letter is referring to said 'kiss' : ) I figured it'd be pretty entertaining. And as much as I was tempted to edit some of the embarrassing things out, I decided to give you it all. scary. enjoy.

Hey Chad,

I'll try and say everything how I want, but knowing me it will probably come out completely wrong. I probably should use a pencil. Oh well.

I'll admit at the time it was really weird. Like you said, I don't think I was really thinking. To be honest, I wondered why kids liked to do it so much. (yeah, this was one of those embarrassing parts; why was I so brutally honest with him?) I wondered why I didn't feel anything, but I never once felt bad. I think one of the things that surprised me the most is that I thought I really would feel bad and regret it, but I don't. Not one bit. I prayed about this one a lot. and I really felt like it was what Heavenly Father wanted me to do. I felt him tell me that the kiss I would share with you wasn't like other kisses, that I'd grow closer to Him through it. And last night while I was reading my scriptures I felt the Spirit quite strong and I knew he was keeping the promise.

I was afraid to kiss you, because it could either be so good or so wrong, but He told me to trust Him, and I am so glad I did. I have to thank you. Thank you for being the kind of person that leads me to be closer to my Father in Heaven. I don't really understand why I didn't feel anything. All I know is what I felt after and what I feel now.

If that honestly was the worst kiss you've ever had (pretty sure it was. ha!) I'm really sorry. You can really tell me if it was. I won't feel bad, I'll just feel dumb. : )

When we were sitting in the truck, I really did feel the spirit and it hasn't left me since. I'm still learning what it's trying to say to me, but I know I feel so close to Heavenly Father. I'm actually so relieved I gave you my first kiss, and I hope it's something you will never regret either.

I'll try and say this right, and I still don't know all the answers, but know that I care about you so much and I know how special you are. Sometimes I really do know what I want. That night I came to Trent's after I'd talked to DJ was one of the most amazing nights for me. I felt so peaceful about the future we talked about. I know I could be happy with you forever, but I just don't know if that's how it will end up. I want you to know that I am afraid to go to college and even more afraid to date people. I feel like there's no way I can ever know that you're the one without first making sure. That's why I want you to date and find out too. If there's someone else out there for you, I want you to know.

I told you I will never forget you and I won't. I think sometimes I don't want to make plans in-case they don't turn out. I don't want to hurt you or me. Ever since I was little I've been making those lists of what I want my husband to be. Today when I was writing mine, I thought of all you were. I know you could very well be all I want. I also know that I have to become all those things on my list too. I know no one is perfect, but I've told myself for the longest time that this is the one decision I would never sell myself short on. I told myself I would work my hardest to become all I could and I would work my hardest to find someone who'd done the same. There are so many factors that go into a marriage, so many things to think about, but I'm realizing more and more that one of the greatest factors is faith. I know that if I do all I can for my Heavenly Father, that when the time come, He will let me know who will be the person who is the most right for me, who I will be happy with for eternity.

I don't think it would be fair for you or me to make too many plans. I feel like right now we can just have faith. I am so excited for your mission. I can't even begin to imagine how amazing it will be. I'm always so glad when you tell me that none of this will affect your mission. That is the last thing I ever want.

Chad, it has been the scariest yet the most amazing thing falling in love with you. I was so scared to love you, scared of what that would mean. If I loved you too much I just knew I was going to get hurt, or worse, I could hurt you. I sometimes think that if I didn't love you than I could be just a simple high school girl who could live her life however she wanted, but I always realize how much I would miss out on if I'd never let myself love you. You have brought so much meaning, experience, joy, spirituality, friendship, and goodness into my life. Just imagine all the memories that never would have been mine without you.

I really don't know what will happen, but I try not to "lean unto my own understandings". I know that if we both stay close to the Lord, He will always bless us. It brings me such peace of mind to know that you realize no matter what happens, that you will be happy. All I want is for you to be happy.

I do love you and I want you to fulfill your dreams, I just need to find out if my dreams and yours can be the same. I am so grateful for you and all you've taught me. I'm always amazed at how many things I can do wrong, and you still come back. It's not every boy who will wait around for a girl to get enough courage to kiss you. How many times did I pull away? oops. sorry.

Thank you for accepting me. Thanks for all you are. Man, I am weird! I'll stop writing now, I've talked way too much. I hope this all makes sense to you. Like you said, it's all supposed to be positive. Our kiss was weird at the time, but when I think about it now it seems so precious and sacred. There's somethings I can't explain and I think I've done a bad job of explaining all this. I can never really let you feel or know all I feel for you, but just trust me that it is so much. I'm sorry if this was too long. Woah. Take care and know that I always want you to be happy. "I thank my God upon every remembrance of you." -Philip. 1:3 : )

Thinking of you-

love, vandi lyn : )

Little did that girl know all she'd find in that boy and how he'd end up being the perfect one for her.

And man, if any of you could have watched that first kiss you would have slapped me for how many times I pulled away.