Thursday, June 23, 2011


[Originally written for June 13th]

June 13th

Today is the day. One year ago today we got this phone call. One year ago today, I saw more pain in the boy I love's eyes than ever before. It still breaks my heart. I can't believe it has been a year.

When I bent down in the kitchen next to Emyri and told her what today was and said maybe she could give daddy some extra hugs and kisses today she got all wide eyed and asked, "Is Papa Al coming back now?!"

Not yet Em, but I know we'll see him again.
Every part of my heart says we'll get to 'go walking' with Papa again.

We laid in bed tonight talking. Talking about June 13th. Today was also our last baby's due date. I remember when I got pregnant and found out the due date would be June 13th thinking to myself, "Maybe it'll make June 13th easier somehow. A death, but also a new life."

We didn't get to keep that baby.

And I fully understand the biological role of miscarriages and I trust my Heavenly Father with every ounce of me and I even feel peaceful about not having that baby right now in my arms knowing there are reasons I can't see in the present.

But the irony is interesting.

June 13th. Not an easy day, but a very very special one; sacred even.

I found Brin one morning carrying around Papa's picture stopping to kiss him every once in a while.

7 comments:

Melissa E Photography said...

Oh Vandi, what a heavy day. That's the only way I can think to describe. Heavy and thick with emotion that is not all bad, but not all good. I'm sure navigating through all of that is difficult. And no matter the amount of faith, the pain still stings. I wish I could hug you in person!

Debanee said...

hello! time goes by in the blink of an eye and making the best of that time is hard to do! but you guys are such great examples of how to do that! Thank you! love you!

Anna said...

those kind of days will always be difficult every year when they come along. like may 1, for me. the day emily died. i get what you mean by saying it's almost a sacred day. or like the horrific experience kyle just had on father's day - the first to respond to a call of a car accident a few miles out side of town here. which resulted in a double fatality, one of which was the 4 year old boy of a fellow law enforcement officer here. father's day will never be the same. remember the conference talk by elder christofferson? "Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me." Love You, Vandi!

Richard and McKenna said...

O Vandi, I am so sorry! I didn't realize that your due date would have fallen on the same day! I am sure that every June 13th you will be so incredibly grateful for the atonement and that families can be together forver. You are such an incredible person who I look up to SO much! I know I tell you that all the time, but truly, you are one of the best people that I know. Thank you for being so strong and for setting such a great example! Love ya!

Stephanie C. said...

I didn't know about your lost baby. I'm sorry Vandi. I hope June 13th passed with reflection and peace, not sadness. Love you.

Jen said...

Just wanted to say I love you!

Jen said...

Vandi, you just made me bawl. My brother died June 12. So, I'm right there with ya!