Changed By You

Last Sunday as I was laying next to Emyri singing her songs before bed, so requested a 'beautiful' song. She's told me this means a long pretty song, not our usual goofy, fun songs that end up making us laugh out loud. For some reason I was reminded of a song I used to sing with my good friend pmb when we were little. I remember sitting with her on the floor in her bedroom next to her stereo playing and singing this song over and over again. I remember thinking it was a 'long, pretty' song then too.

I was surprised to be reminded of it after all these years, but as I sang the chorus a few times over to Em's before I kissed her goodnight I noticed how well the song reflected my feelings over the past 6 months.

Like two sparrows in a hurricane

trying to find their way

with a head full of dreams

and faith that can move anything

they've heard it's all up hill

but all they know is how they feel

the world says they'll never make it,

but love says they will.

(Love Says They Will, Tanya Tucker)

(sound familiar pmb?) : )

Not to be overly gushy or too mushy, but can I just write an entire post about Chad and how much I love him? Since you're not here to tell me I can't, I'll take that as a yes: )

Chad asked me to my first prom when I was a sophomore. We came into each other's lives at a point where we both needed each other. It was hard for me to understand love and let myself love someone else at such a young age when I felt like I wasn't supposed to love someone yet, or that I was too young to know what real love was. But Chad was so good to me, so kind and patient, and always made me laugh. I was going through the most difficult time in my life up to that point and in my confusion and fear I'd push Chad's friendship away time and time again. But he was always there, smiling back at me with an open heart. I can't tell you how he's changed me.

I remember driving in the car one night in high school, just thinking and praying about things and trying to figure out my life when the words came into my mind, "Chad is a gift from Me to you." I had a peaceful reassurance that things were going to be ok.

If only I had known what an amazing gift Chad would end up being for me. I look at the peace and happiness and balance I feel in my life now, compared to times when all I felt was chaotic, guilty, and fearful and I know I have changed for the better in incredible ways, and so much of that change has come through Chad's continual Christlike love. I have come to know my Savior's love because of Chad's love. Can I just tell you how much I love him for that! So very much. That has changed everything.

Since Chad's dad died, I have come to love him in ways I've never been able to experience before. I can honestly say we feel something for each other now that we couldn't have before without this experience. Something deeper, something even more real. Even though things have been difficult and heartbreaking at times, I, and I think I can say we, are so grateful for the experience.

"...if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thing enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know though, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for they good."

(D&C 122:7)

Things have been hard, but they have been for our good. I really believe that. I am closer to Chad than I have ever been in my life and we are closer to God.

So here it is, my mushy post about Chad. I love him, and I will choose to love him over and over again for eternity for all he has done for me. There couldn't be a better man for us three girls: )

For you C-walk

Thinking of you forever

Loving Life

kind over matter photo

Have I ever told you how much I love this life?

I really do....and I'm grateful for all the experiences big and small that have taught me how amazing, precious, and fragile every moment here is. Think about it...it's beautiful.

The laughing the crying, the trees, the stars, the smiles and precious moments, the friendships, the lessons, the stretching and growing, the bubble gum and fireworks, the childhood games and falling in love, the changes and new days, the opportunities and firsts, the sand in your toes, the leaves crunching under your feet, the classes and learning, the baby skin and kisses, the music...oh the music. The conversations and ah-hahs, the embarrassing moments and hilarious stories, the look in your loves eyes, the wind and trampolines, the Christmas Eves and Thanksgiving dinners, the walks and bike rides, the best friends and cheese cake, the families and love, the difficult times that make you stronger, the way God is in it all.

I seriously love this life and am thankful for every minute I get to spend here, the good and the bad.

The other night I was thinking about it; how this time right here and now is our one chance, our one big shot at life here on earth and how the moments we spend are all we have to spend here. It made me want to really experience it all, take it all in, drink deeply from life and all it has to offer me......and give all I have to offer it as well: )

So I pulled out a notebook and pen (two of my absolute favorite things in this life) and I just started scribbling out a list of things I want to do with the moments in my life. It's not extensive and definitely in no particular order, but it's things I want to experience, things I want to do, ways I want to come to love and appreciate this amazing life even more.

So here it is..... don't judge: )

Have more kiddies

Go to Hawaii with Chad

Get a Masters degree in Counseling or Social Work

Be an EFY speaker

Teach seminary

Learn to jump a wake

Take voice lessons

Practice the guitar and piano at least 30 minutes a day.

Write more music-share it with people

Record a cd

Learn how to dance

Run a half marathon

Watch more Documentaries

Learn more about history

Teach my kids something new about their life and world as often as I can.

Take and make more teaching moments for my kids

Share what I really believe with them often

Go on fun dates every week with Chad

Record the precious, tender, happy, fun, difficult, etc. moments in our life in journal, camcorder, pictures, etc.

Take a picture everyday

Surprise people

Figure out a way to get Chad to stop smacking his lips in his sleep! ha : )

Blog more frequently and inspirationally

Go on a mission with Chad

Ride bikes more

Do something like this

Actually eat my fruits and vegetables everyday

Talk with my family more

Be the favorite Aunt ; )

Be a group leader

See Melissa again

Do this sometime soon

Start a friends reunion every year

Go mud digging with Chad again

Run

Play more sports

Learn how to really help people more

Visit my old room mates from Snow often : )

Lift weights and get toned-actually have muscles : )

Exercise and eat healthy all my life

See my high school friends more.....you know who you are and I love you

Deepen and strengthen my testimony of the temple

Some to know my Heavenly Father and Savior even more deeply and personally

Live my life for Them

Bring people to Them

Go back to Snow

Write Emily a song- give it to her family

Make a big difference

Go back through the Manti Temple

See more sunrises....this means I'm going to have to learn to actually go to bed early: )

Laugh with my kids and Chad everyday

Only grow closer and closer to Chad

Have a close, open, fun loving family- Be our own best friends

Be in Young Womens

Do girls camp

Give meaningful gifts

Make people laugh

Make people feel good about being themselves

Go shopping with my girls- have girls night out often

Teach my kids how to love and respect people and stand up for truth and help people out and give people the benefit of the doubt

Be an example of a believer

Help my kids come to know their Heavenly Father and Savior for themselves

Go to another country with Chad

Have slushies and popcorn with the family every Sunday

Record Chad doing one of his goofy dances without him knowing

Go on a service vacation with our kids

Follow the Spirit

Play games with family and friends over and over and over again

Make yummy food

Take more pictures of Chad and I

Spend time outside

Lay under the stars more

Take my Mom to a Parade of Homes show

Take my Dad to a concert he'd love

No matter where I live, find my special spot

Make things

Learn to sew better

Really be there as a sister and sister in law

Tell my kids stories about their great grandparents

Get dirty

Listen

Still make my kids laugh, even when they're teenagers

Build something

Take some chances

Go on walks with Chad and the kids every Sunday

Find a way to do something for Chad everyday

Kiss and hug my kids and tell them how much I love them even when their too old or too cool for that : )

Never under appreciate hot water and toilets and all those fantastic "little" things.

Love and love and love

What do you want to do with your moments here?

Random Thoughts as of Late

"I sure wish I'd stop cracking this smile while I'm trying to get serious with Em. It's totally ruining my effectiveness."

"Somedays I can't make lunch fast enough for these kiddies. Today is one of those days."

"Awesome. It's only taken me 5 years to become slightly more efficient at this housekeeping, family running thing. In a few decades I'm bound to be pro."

"I have never wanted to punch a dog in the face more than I have wanted to punch you in the face Mr. huge mean dog that just scared my child to death."

"hmmm....cookies and creme bar, how are you so good every.single.time?"

"Thank you for your killer moves, Jillian. Your 30 day shred kicks my can, in a good way."

"Fall is amazing, isn't it. I will always love the sound of crackling leaves under my feet."

"No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our

education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our

characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God . . . and it is through sorrow and suffering . . . and

tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven” -Pres. Kimball-

( I know, I know...that thought wasn't my own, but I've been thinking about it) : )

"Man, Heavenly Father is right here...so present in my life. And I love Him for it."

You may have seen this already. I saw it on a facebook link. So glad I took the time to watch it. This message and this woman are amazing on so many levels. I just wanted to share. It strengthens my conviction to my God and to my Savior and to life. I hope it does something for you too. There are two parts.

: )

tonight....

September 2, 2010

My thoughts tonight: You can't force someone to get to where you want them to be; even if what you want to share with them is incredible and life changing. They have to get there on their own. They have to make the journey themselves so when they get there it will mean so much more; it will be their's.

Then my thoughts jumped to Heavenly Father and how often he must be wanting and longing for us to get to that next level where He can teach us and share more light and knowledge, so that we can have more joy and depth and greater understanding and perspective. But He will not force us there. He will wait patiently while we work at our own pace to that next level. And He'll smile as we stand in awe when we finally get there and say to ourselves, "Why didn't I get here sooner!?" : )

It makes me wonder what levels He is excited for me to reach and wants to share with me next. I want to work to get there. I'm excited for when I can spend a day in His classroom. And I'll wait patiently too for those I love and want so badly to reach new levels and find their own way there. I pray that they will.

I love how He teaches me.

FINALLY! : )

An update is definitely overdue....and no better way to efficiently update than with sweet pictures. We'll let the photos do the talking: )

July started out like this...

nothing like a little mud volleyball bright and early to celebrate Independence!

Guess who got to be in the parade? (Thanks Dave and Gina: )

Realizing it's nearly impossible to get a normal picture of the girls and me.......on second thought, this pretty much depicts the normal for us : ) ha

No one does fireworks like C-walk.....

There's been a lot of this going on....

(although that hot dog is looking pretty pathetic!)

We've loved doing lots of this all summer......

Brin thoroughly enjoying her first FATBOY experience...

Here's chad almost breaking the record on the knockout game at the arcade: )

Em: "I love getting my picture taken....I think?"

And I think we've all felt a little like this at one point or another lately: )

I am happy, but I have an underlying sad feeling today. A young couple's little 18month old girl who fell in a canal last Saturday passed away yesterday. Her story is incredible and frightening and the fact that she lived for six days is an amazing miracle. My heart is broken for them.

It brings a lot of the sad feelings we've experienced lately to the forefront again. Chad and I keep looking at Brinley who is the same age as their little Preslee and we can't help but hold her and kiss her and just stare at her. We keep checking on the girls while their sleeping before we go to bed ourselves and end up bringing them to bed with us just to hold them and be near them. We love them so much. I can only imagine what the Sullenger family is going through right now and it literally makes my heart ache for them.

We pray for them a lot even though they're strangers. And somehow we love them even though we don't know them. I keep feeling myself trying to say that it doesn't really matter so that maybe I won't feel the ache for them, but it does matter and even though I don't know them, I do love them and because I love them I will ache for them, for their loss, for their heartache, for their pain.

It's made me think of what it means to love someone, even a stranger, to the point that it hurts. It's made me think a lot about how the Savior loves us; how Heavenly Father loves us.

"Beloved, let us love one another; for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God. and knoweth God....In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him....Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another."

1 John 4:7,9,11

They loved and continue to love each of us so perfectly it's painful.

I heard this in a talk I was listening to the other day by Bruce C. Hafen called "The Disciples Journey". He was speaking of Elder Maxwell when he said, "The more he desired to have the gift of charity, to love as Christ loves, the more he sensed how dear the price might be. To love as Christ loves means we will somehow taste suffering ourselves. For the love and the affliction are but two sides of the same coin. Only be experiencing both sides can we understand and love other people with a depth that even approaches Christ's love."

So for now I won't try to ignore the ache or play it off, but I'll work through it with the hope that somehow it means because of my own heartaches my heart has become a little more willing and able to love so painfully. I hope when all is said and done that I will truly be able to love one another as Christ loves no matter the cost.