Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Taking A Moment to Express

One of my recent journal entries.....

April 4, 2008

Wow, I think I have just been reminded of one of the reasons why I've been feeling down lately. I don't know if it's like this for everyone, but it really gets to me if I don't have time, or make time, to sit down and write out my thoughts and my emotions and my experiences. I feel like if I'm not taking that time to write it out that it's all slipping away from me so that I'm not able to learn the intended lesson. I feel like I'm going through the motions, but not learning anything, not internalizing, not becoming more because of my experiences. And that bothers me. I get almost frantic knowing that a certain thought or impression I had was important and realizing in the next moment it has passed me by because it wasn't internalized. I guess for me writing is internalizing the lessons being given. I have to think it, see it, put it into words, and read it; then somehow it truly becomes mine. And once I know it's mine, that it's really become a part of me, then I feel like I'm actually becoming more than I was yesterday through this earthly experience. I don't know if everyone needs that feeling, but I need that feeling. I need to know I'm learning the right lessons, the one's that Heavenly Father is giving me. I need Him to know and I need myself to know that I am listening; that I am getting it. I'm already feeling so much closer to heaven just by writing this out. I'm thankful for this gift. I'm grateful for this opportunity to better understand myself.

*Back to the present.....I'm doing my second internship at a Juvenile Correction Center and let me tell you, it is amazing and difficult and inspiring and eye opening and disturbing all at once: ) I really love it though and I have already learned so much. I get to work with a group of 12 girls that do every thing together. They eat together, sleep together, brush their teeth together, run the mile together (literally they can't leave one peer behind), use the bathroom together(also literally: ), play games together, learn together, and most importantly they express together. It just amazes me time and time again how healing it is to express what you're feeling, experiencing, have experienced, learning, etc., etc. It is often so hard for them to get those feelings out, its especially hard for them to get those feelings out appropriately which is why they are so often throwing punches, swear words, and spit at each other. Despite all of that, however, they are learning to express and it is a little miracle to watch how it heals them and creates a bond between them. They really do care for one another and it's awesome.
So my question today is what are you're thought on expressing yourself. How do you do it? How does it make you feel? How do you feel when people express their thoughts and feelings to you? Have you seen it make a difference in your life?


{Melissa} said...

Great thoughts Vandi. I bet your work is so rewarding! (And kind of scary..)

I agree with you about writing in a journal. I was using my blog as a journal, but I need to start writing in my journal again and digging a little deeper. It makes it so much easier to stay in tune when I take time to look for Heavenly Father's hand in my life at the end of the day. Thanks for the reminder Van!

ProudMamaBlogga said...

Nothing like a little perspective to realize how thin the line is between functional and dysfunctional. What an experience. Hope you don't get spit on.

I am still working on being able to express my negative feelings in a healthy way. Because I'm new at it, I think it comes out wrong sometimes, but it's a process, and it frees me to accept the imperfections in life.

tod_emily said...

First I just want to say thank you! I think I really needed to read this today! I think when I don't express myself or tell my husband how I'm feeling, it all bottles up and I get overwhelmed! Today was one of those overwhelmed days... I don't know if I just need a break or if I'm really having a problem getting my feelings out! Anyway thanks for the insight!

p.s. I didn't know you were working at an correctional facility... Cool and Scary! Stay safe!

Our Big Happy Family said...

Lots of thoughts have flooded my mind because I too have thought so much about this the last couple days. Blogging really helps me clear my thoughts and verbalize things. When I don't process my thoughts they get bottled up and I find myself shuting down. Thanks for the reminder to process what we learn and not just let the moments pass us by.

Ruthio said...

I really liked your blog. It is useful to write out feelings. I have been taking time lately each day to try to have a time just to work on doing my worrying in a more positive way. I write down my worries and the solutions that I could do instead of my negative way of normally dealing with it. It is helping a lot. It has been a line upon line process and will continue to be. This life is all about growing and learning. Another thing is to talk out your feelings when it is appropriate. I have found this useful too. Expressing ourselves in a healthy way is very good.

Karrianne said...

You are amazing! That would be such and hard and also rewarding place to work! My husband keeps telling me I need to talk more with other women so I can get my thoughts out (not that he doesn't like listening, he just doesn't always know how to respond the way women can during 'girl talk'). So I recently started a blog called "WonderMom Thinks" (www.wondermomthinks.blogspot.com) It is about all the things I randomly feel and think about. It's been really nice to have an outlet (and it's kind of fun to get feedback on it all). I'm hoping it will be a place where all mom's (and women and even guys and dad's) can "wonder" and "think". :)

vandi said...

Thanks for all your comments girls: )

Mel-I always thought it was so awesome how faithful you were at writing in your journal. I've also learned a lot from so many of your posts. Thanks for that: )

kel-yeah, I am also hoping not to get spit on...or punched for that matter. Thanks for what you shared. Have you felt like you've had to be perfect growing up? Is that part of why it's hard for you to express your negative feelings? Trust me...I too am definitely still learning how to express the negative things I feel in the way I want to. It's a tricky thing.

Emily- I'm so glad this post was able to help you out a bit. Those overwhelming days can be so rough. I hope today has been a better day.

Emily M.-I love reading your blogs so keep posting your thoughts and feelings. I think it's awesome.

Ruthio- I think what you're doing is awesome. I think that is what a lot of the girls at the Juvenile Center need to try. Keep up the good work. I know it's hard to face all of your worries sometimes, but I'm proud of you for working through them. You're awesome; )

Karrie- Thanks for the link. I've already gone there and read your posts. It's such a good idea. I think I forget how good it is to have "girl talk" sometimes. I love talking to my husband too and there are things he can offer me conversationally that girls can't but at the same time there is something really neat that happens when you can talk to other girls, especially when you are close to them. thanks for the comments: )

Debanee said...

Hello vandi! How cute you are!! You and your family!