Mommyhood

Imagine with me for a moment that you're younger and you decide to join the basketball team or dance team or something like that. Your parents sit you down and lay it out for you. They ask if you're sure this is something you want to take on. They say that it's going to take up a lot of time, you won't be able to hang out with your friends as much as before, there are other things that you like to do that you may have to put off for a while for practice everyday after school, bus trips, and games every weekend. Things may get stressful when trying to still get homework done, chores, and have a social life somewhere. They tell you practices won't be easy....it's hard work, you have to condition, you'll get sore, you'll probably get knocked down more than once, you may even get hurt. They tell you there are going to be times you'll lose and times when your confidence will be shaken.

And after bluntly laying out all the sacrifices that will have to be made in order to be on this team, you still jump off the couch excitedly and say, "I want to be on the team! It's all worth it to me."

And it is.

You look back and see all the hard work, all the times you thought you were going to puke from running so hard, all the practice, all the bumps and bruises, all the lost games, all the moments of insecurity, all the time it took up, it was all worth it. It was worth it because of all you learned, all the fun you had, all the times you won, all the personal victories, all the bonds you made, all the confidence you gained, all you became and saw you could do. The taken opportunity was worth the costs....so so worth it.

And that's how I feel about being a mom right now. There are bumps and bruises and lost games. There is hard work, practice, conditioning. There are definitely times I feel like throwing up (have you heard of pregnancy?) There are moments, many, moments of insecurity. And oh the amount of time it takes! There are things that have to be put off. I've been thinking about those things I've had to put off lately.

Some of those things that get put off for me are....

large amounts and quality amounts of alone time
quiet to ponder in
time to write
playing piano and guitar
song writing
running....I mean consistently and whole hearted running
sleep....high quality good ol' sleep....you know what I'm talking about
time to read
spontaneity
the right to be irresponsible at times
the ability to sit through church and really take it all in
uninterrupted prayers and scripture study
more schooling.....becoming a counselor
learning to dance
and learning to be a better speaker and teacher

And as much as I love all of those things (and I'm being serious, I really do love those things, they are a part of me) ...I love my two little girls inconceivably so much more.


And I'm not saying I never get to do any of those things I enjoy and love. I do...and it's important to me that I do. I'm just saying it's in a lesser form, lower quality kind of way. I'm also saying that right now I am totally content and at peace with only getting to do those things in a limited way right now. I'm so glad that I have come to realize that, because it makes it so much easier to live in the moment. I'm not in the moment wishing to be somewhere else. I'm not present with the girls wishing I was playing the guitar, reading a book, or taking a nap (okay, in all honesty the taking a nap thing does cross my mind). Realizing that in a blink of an eye this time and season of little hands, kisses, diapers, baby steps, funny logic, precious hugs, and holding sleeping babies in my arms is going to pass me by and I'm going to find myself with all the time in the world to play music, read, nap!, ponder, and sit in quiet.

In fact, I'll probably be there wishing I could hold those tiny hands and kiss those chubby cheeks again.

I'm so glad Heavenly Father has helped me come to this conclusion and reach this point. I enjoy it all in such a new way now. I just want to stare at these two amazing girls before me. I just want to take in every ounce of how they look, the things they say and do. I just want to hold them and make them laugh and make their day. In all the crazy busyness of little kids I'm so glad I have this opportunity and season. I want on the team! And to me it is all worth it. Everything I may have to put off for a while, every way it may tire me and be hard...to me it is still so so worth it.