Day #13- a letter to someone:
Over Christmas I was looking through the box of notes and letters Chad and I have written each other over the years. Seeing how we've known each other since Jr. High this box of notes is both big and full: ) So when I got to day thirteen, I thought I'd share a letter I wrote him way back when. But now that I'm here, sitting at the keyboard, waiting to type it out.......I'm actually kind of nervous.
Why? I'm not exactly sure. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that when I wrote this I was just a teenager with lots still to learn. Maybe it's the risk of sounding mushy, corny, immature, all of the above. So, keep that in mind and try not to laugh too hard at my crazy young self: )
Background: I wrote this letter the day after our first kiss; halfway through my Junior and his Senior years; a lot of the letter is referring to said 'kiss' : ) I figured it'd be pretty entertaining. And as much as I was tempted to edit some of the embarrassing things out, I decided to give you it all. scary. enjoy.
I'll try and say everything how I want, but knowing me it will probably come out completely wrong. I probably should use a pencil. Oh well.
I'll admit at the time it was really weird. Like you said, I don't think I was really thinking. To be honest, I wondered why kids liked to do it so much. (yeah, this was one of those embarrassing parts; why was I so brutally honest with him?) I wondered why I didn't feel anything, but I never once felt bad. I think one of the things that surprised me the most is that I thought I really would feel bad and regret it, but I don't. Not one bit. I prayed about this one a lot. and I really felt like it was what Heavenly Father wanted me to do. I felt him tell me that the kiss I would share with you wasn't like other kisses, that I'd grow closer to Him through it. And last night while I was reading my scriptures I felt the Spirit quite strong and I knew he was keeping the promise.
I was afraid to kiss you, because it could either be so good or so wrong, but He told me to trust Him, and I am so glad I did. I have to thank you. Thank you for being the kind of person that leads me to be closer to my Father in Heaven. I don't really understand why I didn't feel anything. All I know is what I felt after and what I feel now.
If that honestly was the worst kiss you've ever had (pretty sure it was. ha!) I'm really sorry. You can really tell me if it was. I won't feel bad, I'll just feel dumb. : )
When we were sitting in the truck, I really did feel the spirit and it hasn't left me since. I'm still learning what it's trying to say to me, but I know I feel so close to Heavenly Father. I'm actually so relieved I gave you my first kiss, and I hope it's something you will never regret either.
I'll try and say this right, and I still don't know all the answers, but know that I care about you so much and I know how special you are. Sometimes I really do know what I want. That night I came to Trent's after I'd talked to DJ was one of the most amazing nights for me. I felt so peaceful about the future we talked about. I know I could be happy with you forever, but I just don't know if that's how it will end up. I want you to know that I am afraid to go to college and even more afraid to date people. I feel like there's no way I can ever know that you're the one without first making sure. That's why I want you to date and find out too. If there's someone else out there for you, I want you to know.
I told you I will never forget you and I won't. I think sometimes I don't want to make plans in-case they don't turn out. I don't want to hurt you or me. Ever since I was little I've been making those lists of what I want my husband to be. Today when I was writing mine, I thought of all you were. I know you could very well be all I want. I also know that I have to become all those things on my list too. I know no one is perfect, but I've told myself for the longest time that this is the one decision I would never sell myself short on. I told myself I would work my hardest to become all I could and I would work my hardest to find someone who'd done the same. There are so many factors that go into a marriage, so many things to think about, but I'm realizing more and more that one of the greatest factors is faith. I know that if I do all I can for my Heavenly Father, that when the time come, He will let me know who will be the person who is the most right for me, who I will be happy with for eternity.
I don't think it would be fair for you or me to make too many plans. I feel like right now we can just have faith. I am so excited for your mission. I can't even begin to imagine how amazing it will be. I'm always so glad when you tell me that none of this will affect your mission. That is the last thing I ever want.
Chad, it has been the scariest yet the most amazing thing falling in love with you. I was so scared to love you, scared of what that would mean. If I loved you too much I just knew I was going to get hurt, or worse, I could hurt you. I sometimes think that if I didn't love you than I could be just a simple high school girl who could live her life however she wanted, but I always realize how much I would miss out on if I'd never let myself love you. You have brought so much meaning, experience, joy, spirituality, friendship, and goodness into my life. Just imagine all the memories that never would have been mine without you.
I really don't know what will happen, but I try not to "lean unto my own understandings". I know that if we both stay close to the Lord, He will always bless us. It brings me such peace of mind to know that you realize no matter what happens, that you will be happy. All I want is for you to be happy.
I do love you and I want you to fulfill your dreams, I just need to find out if my dreams and yours can be the same. I am so grateful for you and all you've taught me. I'm always amazed at how many things I can do wrong, and you still come back. It's not every boy who will wait around for a girl to get enough courage to kiss you. How many times did I pull away? oops. sorry.
Thank you for accepting me. Thanks for all you are. Man, I am weird! I'll stop writing now, I've talked way too much. I hope this all makes sense to you. Like you said, it's all supposed to be positive. Our kiss was weird at the time, but when I think about it now it seems so precious and sacred. There's somethings I can't explain and I think I've done a bad job of explaining all this. I can never really let you feel or know all I feel for you, but just trust me that it is so much. I'm sorry if this was too long. Woah. Take care and know that I always want you to be happy. "I thank my God upon every remembrance of you." -Philip. 1:3 : )
Thinking of you-
love, vandi lyn : )
Little did that girl know all she'd find in that boy and how he'd end up being the perfect one for her.
And man, if any of you could have watched that first kiss you would have slapped me for how many times I pulled away.