I know it's late.....like 12:18 am too late. But I said there would be some "gems" from the binder today (technically yesterday) and by golly I need to stick to my word more this year...so here are a quick few.

Chad and I on his high school graduation night: )

The next couple need some background. Chad thought it was hilarious to paint me random water color pictures to give me a taste of his fine art skills.

Robert...he's my dad.

And Big Duck.....well, he's a big duck.

I'm sure this is one I got with my Christmas presents the year before he left on his mission.

Check out the tiny arms and boots....two of many special features with this Big Guy: )

And this is the card Chad gave me right before he headed out for his mission to Mexico.

Fitting right: )

What Once Was Lost....

2012? Seriously. Time has this incredible way of speeding up. It's insane and amazing all at once to take a step back and realize where you're at and remember from where you've come.

Can I just say I love this life and it's simultaneously inching yet rapid way of changing us.

I got the chance to step back and realize and remember when an aching prayer I've been praying for years was answered last night.

When Chad left on his mission I started keeping all of his letters and pictures and my own thoughts and journal entries in a binder. A plain old green binder. And that binder got so full I started filling a plain old black binder.

I know those things may not seem life shatteringly significant, but for me, we're talking about precious, precious stuff here people.

Those binders started me, and really us, in one place and ended us in another. From first page to last carried a story and a process of a thousand defining moments, life altering realizations, changes, soul searching experiences.

A huge record of our love, the process of it's unfolding, and who we've become were held in those two binders.

See what I'm saying?

Precious stuff.

It wasn't until around two years of marriage and six moves that I realized those binders were missing. I looked everywhere....through all of our storage, my family's storage, Chad's family's storage, under beds, in closest, garages, anywhere I could think of that might be hiding them.

No such luck.

Those two binders were one of those things that I've lost that actually brought me physical heartache to think about.

I've prayed about finding them many times over the years, but it wasn't until a few months ago that I randomly thought of them again, felt the twinge of wishing I had them back, and prayed more pointedly,

"Heavenly Father, I know you are able to know where those binders are. I know they are not that big of a deal....(By now I'm feeling somewhat like a little kid who has lost their favorite blankey and can't stop crying)....and I know life will go on without them, but to me and to Chad and I, they mean a lot......if they are anywhere on this planet in a form that I can have them (I'm picturing them lying under layers of garbage in some landfill somewhere) can you please lead me to them? Can you please bring them back to me."

And that was that. I prayed and then forgot about that simple prayer.....that was until a few nights ago when we met Chad's family at a restaurant over the holidays and his sister Katie said, "Oh Vandi, I was going through some boxes that I thought were mine and found these two binders. They looked like they were filled with letters from Chad's mission. I thought I'd tell you about them in case you wanted them."

Say WHAT?!

I couldn't believe it.

I am not a crier, but I felt like I might have myself a happy cry. right there in the restaurant.

I'm sure she thought I was a little crazy with my instantly embracing her and excited overreaction.

But I couldn't help hugging her for finding what I thought was long lost.

And then I suddenly remembered that little prayer....

along with this feeling;

a gentle "hug" and "smile" and "just wanted you to remember I love you"

from the One who brought them back to me.

Chad and I have been pouring over their pages today. Smiling, laughing, feeling, remembering.

It's been nine years since that time in our lives. A time with so many questions, uncertainties, so much to learn, so much to discover, so much ahead of us.

We have grown so much in those nine years.

We and our lives and our love and our experiences together have gained so much; three of the greatest being two amazing little girls and one much anticipated and precious little boy.

We were just two little kids, best friends, and all we knew was that Heavenly Father had brought us to our friendship and we cared about each other and had helped and healed each other more than we could say.

I can't thank Heavenly Father enough for bringing those binders back to me.

I hope someday they will mean something to our kids; tell a precious story more intricate than we could describe to them.

Life is amazing.

Especially when we choose to make it that way.

I'm so thankful for all the experiences I have had that have brought me to this time and place in my life. My life is filled to the brim with love and I am given more than I have ever deserved.

To me, Chad really is proof of that.

2012 will be a huge year of change for us; another chapter in our adventure together.

It's exciting and terrifying all at once to wonder where we will be by the end of this year, but I will embrace the curves and turns....

because isn't it all really just amazing, this experience of life.

I think so.

p.s. some "gems" from the binders to come tomorrow.....

It's a......

So I found this cool idea online one day when I was searching for baby shower games for a party I was helping host.

This couple instead of finding out what they were having at their ultra sound had the doctor seal a picture of the baby's gender in an envelope.

The couple gave the envelope to one of their friends who then made them a cake with either pink frosting or blue frosting inside depending on the gender of the baby.

Then they had a get together to reveal the gender of the baby to themselves as well as their friends and family by cutting the cake: )

I was just barely pregnant and thought that would be a pretty awesome way to find out and a cool way to get to share the moment with everyone.

Now I just had to convince Chad.

Well, it took a while (he can't handle waiting for surprises!) but I convinced him and the BIG DAY arrived.

And it was AWESOME!

We were so anxious and excited all day long, and having to wait a little made it that much more exciting. Although after the ultra sound today, Chad could barely contain himself having to wait any longer to find out. : )

We got together with some friends for dinner and CAKE this evening. And it was even more exciting because our friends Rachelle and Nathan (who are expecting the same day we are) were also revealing what they were having.

It was excitement x 2!

I wish somehow all of our friends and family could have been with us tonight to share in the moment. Even just the size of our apartment made it impossible to invite everyone we would have loved to have. But know we miss and love you all and hope doing it this way will at least let you be a part of our moment, even if it is from afar: )

So here is our awesome news....in digitally uploaded fashion.

Enjoy!

Oh, and watch the look on Chad's face. He was so surprised!

See, I knew it'd be worth the wait to catch that face on camera: )

(love the classy pose the thumbnail caught me in here.....sheesh)

Oh, and if you don't want to spoil the surprise, watch the vid before scrolling down : )

Our Dr. was pretty humored by our little plan....especially after he knew how anxious Chad was to find out.

He even lovingly titled our baby's man-child parts "Honky Tonker"

Needless to say......it's been one of those good, good days: )

Untitled by Reid Garnett

In attempts to teach some work ethics and the power of choice and consequences around this joint, I've started having the girls clean there room in the mornings before they can go outside to play.

It's gone pretty well, but this morning has been a different story.

They are currently IN THEIR ROOM UNTIL IT'S CLEAN.

And although they have pulled the mattress off of Em's bed and about every toy out of the closet and are presently laughing their heads off while practicing their aerobatics...

I've chosen to be cool as a cucumber.

No power struggles today. I know some natural consequences like

rumbly, hungry tummies or a neighbor friend knocking on the door wanting to play will eventually kick their motivation into gear.

Anywho, different post for a different day.

But, before the aerobatics began and I'd first asked the girls to clean there room, Em kept saying, "Mom....you've gotta help us! We can't do this ourselves!"

And I found myself saying, "Em, I am helping you. I'm helping you to help yourself."

And after sending her disappointed self back into her room with some, 'I know you can do it's' and 'I believe in you's' knowing she probably wouldn't understand the lesson for years to come, I continued my own chores for the day when these thoughts started rumbling around inside.....

You know it's just like Heavenly Father.

We cry out in despair,

'You've gotta help us! We can't do this on our own!'

And although I have had many of those kinds of prayers answered in help beyond my own....

sometimes He answers by patting us on the back and sending us back out into the fight.

~But oh the love in those pats.~

We say, 'We want it easy! We don't want to have to reach and stretch outside ourselves. We don't want to have to fight and sweat and labor for the answers.'

But our Heavenly Father knows all we can become.

He knows how far we can stretch and reach and grow.

He knows.

And because our infant eyes don't see that far yet....

He will rarely go easy on us.

Until one day we do see.

And we thank Him and thank Him and thank Him.

I didn't realize I'd be so nervous.

But my hands were shaking when I filled out the paper work to get this little gem....

And I know you cannot even tell what's there...I barely could either.

But right in the middle was this little, tiny, fluttering AMAZING heartbeat.

And we couldn't be happier.

Dr. Prince helped me through my ectopic pregnancy and miscarriage.

The first thing he said to Chad and I when he walked in the room...

"I've been happy for you guys all day since I saw your name on the schedule this morning."

Good, good Doctor: )

And oh how I wished we'd filmed the moment we told the girls about their new baby sibling.

It was priceless.

First denial, "Nu-uh!"

Then, "Are you serious?"

Followed by little girl screams of joy and lots of jumping around!

We had them redo it for the camera, but they couldn't hide the excitement on their faces to make it actually look authentic.

Can it be March yet?

Because I cannot wait to see the look on their faces when they actually get to meet baby for the first time.

Now, that will be one sweet day.

[Originally written for June 13th]

June 13th

Today is the day. One year ago today we got this phone call. One year ago today, I saw more pain in the boy I love's eyes than ever before. It still breaks my heart. I can't believe it has been a year.

When I bent down in the kitchen next to Emyri and told her what today was and said maybe she could give daddy some extra hugs and kisses today she got all wide eyed and asked, "Is Papa Al coming back now?!"

Not yet Em, but I know we'll see him again.

Every part of my heart says we'll get to 'go walking' with Papa again.

We laid in bed tonight talking. Talking about June 13th. Today was also our last baby's due date. I remember when I got pregnant and found out the due date would be June 13th thinking to myself, "Maybe it'll make June 13th easier somehow. A death, but also a new life."

We didn't get to keep that baby.

And I fully understand the biological role of miscarriages and I trust my Heavenly Father with every ounce of me and I even feel peaceful about not having that baby right now in my arms knowing there are reasons I can't see in the present.

But the irony is interesting.

June 13th. Not an easy day, but a very very special one; sacred even.

I found Brin one morning carrying around Papa's picture stopping to kiss him every once in a while.

One night last week I found myself entirely unsettled.

After a day, or more like several days in a row, of time outs, and eye rolls and glares, and screaming, slammed doors, "your the worst mom ever"s, and lots of emotional bombs, I felt completely at a loss and filled with uncertainty and self doubt.

"What is going on?"

Things that usually worked were no longer working. Our resolve talks after timeouts which usually end with smiles and hugs were turning into war zones.

It seemed like every conversation or request became a battle field.

Instead of laughs there were massive tears. Instead of happy compliance there was utter defiance.

Why had all the fun been sucked from us?

And then the questions began...

Am I too hard on my kids?

Am I being walked on too much?

Should I ignore or distract bad behavior or promptly nip it in the bud?

Am I expecting too much out of my kids for how young they are?

Or will easing up leave room for the naughty's to slip right in for an extended stay?

How can I discipline in a way that leaves us feeling good?

etc.,etc.

until finally...

All of the questioning turned into a vicious analytical debate inside my brain of all my parenting actions and they're possible psychological and emotional ramifications.

BAH! You social science degree!

So I found myself on my knees, pouring my heart out to a Father who knows all about tantrums and children who don't listen, and just how much patience and wisdom sticking it out being a good parent takes.

Heavenly Father,

I just want them to know I love them.

I just want to laugh with them and make them smile.

I just want them to feel a comfort and connection when they think of me.

I want them to want to be in my arms.

I just want the patience and wisdom beyond my own it takes to make it through the tough side of parenting, the side where you know you're child's going to feel betrayed and angry. And feel like you've sucked the life right out of their fun and schemes. The part where they yell at you for teaching them things like manners, and hard work, and honesty, and kindness, and good attitudes. The part where they don't want to look at you or touch you because you've asked them to do something they don't want or think they need to do. The part where you feel your heart and patience and sane brain might burst.

Can I have that?

What can I do to have that?

How can I have that?

I left my knees with a few ideas to try, but still with that defeated feeling lingering.

Then morning came. And tantrums came. But this time something different happened. And I didn't notice it until after I handled a situation with surprising demeanor and wisdom. And then I felt it. This strength and lightness and patience that I hadn't felt in a while. And this happy air about me that took my interactions with my kids above myself.

I was so much more able to make it through the rough patches of the day without becoming so emotionally involved, and it did wonders for my kids too.

I let them have their emotions. I didn't make them mine.

I was more able to see what was important enough to address and what could be easily wiped away with some good humor and distraction.

But most of all I felt that connection with my girls that I'd been longing to feel.

We laughed together. I made them smile. I held their hands more and looked in their eyes when I told them I loved them.

I was able to feel the importance of the moments.

And I can't thank Him enough.

p.s. Thank you for everything Mom and Dad. Now I know....and now I can't thank you enough. I'll love you forever for all you have done for me. Thanks for sticking through the tough side of parenting. I am all I am because you loved me enough to let me grow...even when it hurt.

Happy Mother's Day Mom!